You’ve probably heard of “separation anxiety” in the context of little children. But today, I want to discuss a different kind of separation anxiety, one that isn’t talked about enough - the experience that parents have when their adult children get married or start building a family separate from them.
Dec 15, 2023·edited Dec 15, 2023Liked by Priyanka Bharadwaj
Very well written again !
I suppose the core issue is the concept of "arranged marriage" where the daughter-in-law is supposed to be 'given away' to the boy's family and for all purposes belongs to the boy's family ("kotta hennu kulakke horage"). So the boy's parents expect that the daughter-in-law adjusts to the boy's family (traditions, eating style, relatives etc.) with little or no adjustment expected of them in return.
From a boy's parents' perspective they feel they have sacrificed their entire lives to provide life long security to their kids - property, education, money and all the unfair advantages Indian parents give their kids - so they expect obedience in return. It's unfair but that is the social contract engendered by arranged marriages.
If we want a western mentality of understanding relationships then I guess we need to overhaul the social structure in India wherein the parents invest less in their kids and divert that money into their own priorities so that the kids sort of get to their goals on their own. These goal include marriage so that kids themselves find their match and pay for the wedding. This way there will be no expectations from parents and more freedom to kids albeit with more responsibilities.
Very well written again !
I suppose the core issue is the concept of "arranged marriage" where the daughter-in-law is supposed to be 'given away' to the boy's family and for all purposes belongs to the boy's family ("kotta hennu kulakke horage"). So the boy's parents expect that the daughter-in-law adjusts to the boy's family (traditions, eating style, relatives etc.) with little or no adjustment expected of them in return.
From a boy's parents' perspective they feel they have sacrificed their entire lives to provide life long security to their kids - property, education, money and all the unfair advantages Indian parents give their kids - so they expect obedience in return. It's unfair but that is the social contract engendered by arranged marriages.
If we want a western mentality of understanding relationships then I guess we need to overhaul the social structure in India wherein the parents invest less in their kids and divert that money into their own priorities so that the kids sort of get to their goals on their own. These goal include marriage so that kids themselves find their match and pay for the wedding. This way there will be no expectations from parents and more freedom to kids albeit with more responsibilities.
Definitely, our patrilocal society influences how these relationships have evolved over time.