Relationship Values

This year I have decided to simplify my new year resolution drastically. In fact, it’s not even something I hope to achieve this year, rather an affirmation of things I wish to prioritise for the years to come.

• Be rich enough to always afford freedom

• Spend time with family and close friends

• Make time for creative pursuits

I think it’s so important to have values or some timeless principles in life since it provides a framework to make decisions when the world around us is constantly changing and we keep evolving to adapt to the changes.

When you want to get married, you tend to build a laundry list of character traits in a potential partner. I’ve always argued that it’s an unhelpful approach. Instead, I encourage people to identify their relationship values (I’ve a cool exercise for this), so their marriage can last longer and they feel more fulfilled in it.

I’d briefly alluded to this concept in an earlier post.

In fact, even after you get married, it’s always helpful to go back to these principles and check where you stand with respect to them, because the idea is that these are relatively timeless principles.

Every individual is different, what they value varies (over time too) and hence, every marriage is unique and somewhat atypical. But it’s important to distinguish between an atypical relationship and a disastrous one, else you risk staying in a “bad marriage”. When I say bad, I don’t mean by social standards, but one of your own.

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As a fun way to start the new year, I wanted to share with you a list of most common relationship values among people I’ve spoken to (both married, and not):

1. Communication

Communication is the bedrock of a marriage, so it’s no surprise that it tops the list. It is taxing to read someone else’s mind, especially if you need to do it hundred times a day, and that too everyday, for the rest of your life.

You’d rather have your partner be honest and explicit with you about their needs and concerns, so you can talk it out and resolve matters before they become unmanageable.

2. Growth Mindset

In today’s hyper competitive world, we tend to perceive marriage as a speed breaker to our individual pursuits (personal or/ and professional). But, this needn’t be the case. If both partners in a couple individually have a “growth mindset”, there’s a higher likelihood of doing well as a couple (assuming growth in the same direction).

Once you are coupled up, you tend to compare yourself with others’ not just as an individual, also as a couple. So, people want to be with similarly ambitious people (professional or/ and personal) so their pace of growth isn’t hampered by marriage.

3. Independence

Isn’t it ironic that people seek freedom in a partnership? But independence is one of the top things people value in marriage because they fear losing freedom or individuality in a marriage.

People want the autonomy to be themselves, chase their individual dreams and be a valued contributor to the relationship. The underlying values that foster such independence are mutual trust and respect. Only when you trust each other, you will respect each others’ independence, and not be trapped in complete co-dependence.

I must mention that there is a fine balance between independence and inter-dependence in a marriage, else you risk jeopardising it.

4. Family

People are quite particular about the type of families they want to build with their partners - whether it must include children or not, the interaction with the parents, in-laws and extended families. These expectations aren’t confined to any one gender.

I find this aspect particularly interesting because in India, the boundaries with our own parents are fairly blurred, but we have very rigid expectations when it comes to how our spouse interacts with their parents, or ours, for that matter.

5. Intimacy

We seek partnership when we crave that feeling of closeness with another individual - one who can witness our life as it unfolds. It is what makes us feel safe and makes us want to go back to our partners at the end of the day.

The feeling of closeness can be physical, emotional and intellectual. We crave all of these from our marriage, and we view intimacy as a sign of vitality in a marriage.

“Only in relationship can you know yourself, not in abstraction, and certainly not in isolation” - J. Krishnamurti

There is a lot we learn about ourselves in a marriage. We understand what we seek and value in others, we learn how we’d like to be treated by others and we get a glimpse of what truly moves us in life.

While these are the top five things that people I’ve spoken to value in a relationship, it varies by individual - as a function of their personality, conditioning and environment. This list may be different for you, in which case, I’d love to hear what your top values are. Please leave them in the comments below.

If you are already married, it might even be a good time to reaffirm your marital values with your partner, so both of you are more aligned on your decisions this year, and feel more fulfilled.