Being in the marriage market can sometimes be like running in a maze. While in it, you don’t quite know how to exit, but everyone on the outside seems to know how to navigate the maze better than you.
When you’re exhausted from the running around, you think you may be close to the exit, but there’s no way to know.
Millions of people go from being single to getting married. Yet, there’s no playbook or clear metrics to track one’s progress on that journey.
It’s not like…
Hey, you’ve entered 1st standard. Here’s your syllabus, you’ll have a few tests, and once you complete them successfully over the next one year, you’ll be promoted to 2nd standard.
Most adult situations in the world are ambiguous, and there is no one way to tackle them. Some people love this ambiguity, while a few others just don’t. That doesn’t mean people like to be told what to do. They’d just like to have some visibility and control over their own journeys.
Providing visibility is the easy bit
Take Uber or Swiggy for example. You place an order, and they give you a map that shows you where your car/food is and how long before it arrives. You can’t control when the car/ food arrives. But, by providing visibility, they are creating an illusion of control. This makes you secure and happier, in general.
Dating apps on the other hand make people insecure. They don’t make people happier. By showing you who you can match with, and by allowing you to swipe on who you like, they think they’re providing you with both visibility and control.
But, in reality, they’re doing neither.
You may be able to pick who you want, but you don’t know if they’ll pick you. You may match with them, but you don’t know if they’ll respond to your text. You may have a chat with them, but you don’t know if it’ll result in a date. You may go on a date with them, but you don’t know if there’ll be a second. You may start dating them, but you don’t know if you’ll be exclusive. You may be exclusive but you don’t know if you’ll go steady. You may be steady with someone, but you don’t know if you’ll marry them.
And unlike ordering food, once you get married, your journey doesn’t end.
Is there hope for change?
Could dating apps provide you with more visibility in the future?
I hope so.
Imagine if dating apps provided you with a metric before you swiped -
“There’s an 80% chance this person will swipe right on you”
Would that help?
Maybe.
Of course, this means nothing to women because men swipe right on everyone no?
These metrics could possibly streamline over time, and make sense to everyone. Except, in reality, this won’t work. If you didn’t swipe incessantly in the hope that someone would eventually match and respond to you, some product manager who is responsible for engagement will lose their job.
The way these dating apps are designed today, it’s too much effort to fight the intended user experience and carefully construct your own game in the market.
But thanks to these dating apps, we are now asking ourselves a lot of questions that we never did before (and believe me, that’s a good thing):
Do I want to get married?
I’ve taken the reins from my parents, but what do I do now?
Why do the people I like not match with me?
Why doesn’t this person respond to my texts?
Why don’t any of my conversations go beyond 3 or 4 texts?
Why won’t this person meet me?
We keep chatting on and off, but where is this going?
This is the best I’ve had so far, but why doesn’t it still feel right?
Am I settling, can I do better?
These are all fairly complex questions that require heavy duty introspection.
When you grow up in a system where everything is structured, rule based and laid out for you, you’re not challenged to think on your own. When you go years not being forced to think on your own, it becomes hard to try without help.
So, here’s some free gyaan.
For those of you who are battling one or more of the above questions, I would like to share with you an approach that I have been using with my clients. Together, we attempt to breakdown the complexity of these questions and create visibility so we can track progress.
What I am about to share with you is merely one approach, and not THE solution.
Here goes:
No matter what question my clients are battling, the first thing we do is step out of the maze. My clients start with understanding themselves, and layers of their personality that are relevant for relationships. They visualise the exit, and define broad principles that would guide them towards it. This process happens in ink and takes a few iterations to really make sense.
Then, I take them back to the maze, and we look down from the top. They trace the paths that they’d previously taken. They investigate their past actions, especially those that were not aligned with their personal principles. All this is logged too.
Then, with a fresh perspective, they go back into the maze. This time around, each step of the way, they are able to visualise their path towards the exit without actually stepping out of the maze.
Is there a chance that something unexpected could happen, and that it would take longer to exit?
Sure.
That’s where the principles come in handy, and guide your path forward.
With greater visibility, there is a perceived sense of control. This makes them more confident. This confidence helps them make more progress. I just stand by, and cheer them on.
Do try this at home, and tell me if it worked for you.
Sneak peak into what I’m reading/ watching/ listening to:
Mate Selection for modernity: My exact thoughts, but brilliantly articulated.
My Malayalam movie spree continues. I am in love with the cinematography of the movie Joji. The background score by Justin Varghese is surreal too.
Shapely Gal song of the month: Heartbreaker by Daniel Blume.