I loved the exercise on rejection. I remember trying this a few years ago - on a slightly note - that is smiling at a stranger and saying hi. Some interesting experiences as a result, but none long lasting in nature.
Certainly I agree that micro-rejections over time can lead to a loss of connectedness. My take on this is that connecting should be viewed as a muscle that needs to be exercised until it becomes second nature. But connecting is tied to micro-rejections because it exposes my vulnerability in asking for something and being told I cant have it - whether it is as simple as a coffee in the morning, a back rub or as complicated as being listened for a few minutes.
In my life I have experienced this and when the rejection is fairly constant it seems to become more and more difficult to cross that bridge.
It's very true that our abilities (or the lack of) to connect is tied to micro-rejection. But let's say we decide to overcome that fear of rejection, and ask again for something we've been denied in the past. Irrespective of what the response to our ask is, we should derive great satisfaction in just being able to ask again. I think that's still success, because that's the bit we have control over, not the outcome.
I definitely agree with that - crossing that barrier once or even twice seems ok.
Is it a “feeling” as to when to stop asking or is it a rule - 5 times, 10 times, 100 times? We have been taught to be sensitive the word “no” as a form of boundary setting. So then how much of asking again and again is a form of boundary breaching?
As an example my ex really really loved flowers and slowly over time my responses to her “flowers” invites during walks became more and more strained since I didn’t have the energy to respond to the “flowers” invites every two steps. Then I felt that she just was not hearing my rejection of her requests.
Unfortunately I am an extreme example of the other side where I will take even a single rejection as permanent:)
Anu, that's an interesting question. I am tempted to say it's a feeling rather than a number-based-rule, except we cannot trust our feelings when it's riddled with fear or guilt.
The way I'd approach it is like this - if I'm having to say "no" to the same thing over and over again (I don't know what the number is), under different circumstances, it is worth a longer discussion - to explain why it's a no, to discuss alternatives to meet my partners' needs and how we'll cope with the "ask" coming up again. The same applies if I am being told "no" too. This way, we can distance ourselves from the "no", and not take it personally the next time it comes up.
I agree that it is an “instinct” for when the “no” is real. Perhaps even more importantly, the “no” could represent the other person’s internal deliberations and has some validity no matter the underlying rationale or it could be contextual. Hence, one can keep politely trying for as long as one wishes without breaching boundaries. Then, you are right - it’s about the other person and not me.
In any event, a rejection serves the purpose of allowing the party getting rejected to move on, knowing that they made themselves vulnerable and that’s a gift. I liked this article which talked about how different types process rejection and I would like to move to the secure type from the needy type as an ideal form of me.
I think this holds even inside a relationship and it’s ok to let the relationship wither and still be in it for practical reasons - children etc. One still has the power to seek that fulfillment of the need outside of the relationship.
I loved the exercise on rejection. I remember trying this a few years ago - on a slightly note - that is smiling at a stranger and saying hi. Some interesting experiences as a result, but none long lasting in nature.
Certainly I agree that micro-rejections over time can lead to a loss of connectedness. My take on this is that connecting should be viewed as a muscle that needs to be exercised until it becomes second nature. But connecting is tied to micro-rejections because it exposes my vulnerability in asking for something and being told I cant have it - whether it is as simple as a coffee in the morning, a back rub or as complicated as being listened for a few minutes.
In my life I have experienced this and when the rejection is fairly constant it seems to become more and more difficult to cross that bridge.
It's very true that our abilities (or the lack of) to connect is tied to micro-rejection. But let's say we decide to overcome that fear of rejection, and ask again for something we've been denied in the past. Irrespective of what the response to our ask is, we should derive great satisfaction in just being able to ask again. I think that's still success, because that's the bit we have control over, not the outcome.
I definitely agree with that - crossing that barrier once or even twice seems ok.
Is it a “feeling” as to when to stop asking or is it a rule - 5 times, 10 times, 100 times? We have been taught to be sensitive the word “no” as a form of boundary setting. So then how much of asking again and again is a form of boundary breaching?
As an example my ex really really loved flowers and slowly over time my responses to her “flowers” invites during walks became more and more strained since I didn’t have the energy to respond to the “flowers” invites every two steps. Then I felt that she just was not hearing my rejection of her requests.
Unfortunately I am an extreme example of the other side where I will take even a single rejection as permanent:)
Anu, that's an interesting question. I am tempted to say it's a feeling rather than a number-based-rule, except we cannot trust our feelings when it's riddled with fear or guilt.
The way I'd approach it is like this - if I'm having to say "no" to the same thing over and over again (I don't know what the number is), under different circumstances, it is worth a longer discussion - to explain why it's a no, to discuss alternatives to meet my partners' needs and how we'll cope with the "ask" coming up again. The same applies if I am being told "no" too. This way, we can distance ourselves from the "no", and not take it personally the next time it comes up.
What are your thoughts on this?
Hi Priyanka,
I agree that it is an “instinct” for when the “no” is real. Perhaps even more importantly, the “no” could represent the other person’s internal deliberations and has some validity no matter the underlying rationale or it could be contextual. Hence, one can keep politely trying for as long as one wishes without breaching boundaries. Then, you are right - it’s about the other person and not me.
In any event, a rejection serves the purpose of allowing the party getting rejected to move on, knowing that they made themselves vulnerable and that’s a gift. I liked this article which talked about how different types process rejection and I would like to move to the secure type from the needy type as an ideal form of me.
I think this holds even inside a relationship and it’s ok to let the relationship wither and still be in it for practical reasons - children etc. One still has the power to seek that fulfillment of the need outside of the relationship.
https://www.yourtango.com/self/what-kind-person-you-are-based-how-handle-rejection
P.S - I realized that I (krish) posted the answer from my “write under a pseudonym account”:) well, now you know my pseudonym:)
haha you have a lot of names, I am going to have trouble keeping up :)
I will keep trying to remind you:)