Love and Neuro-Diversity
Recently, I watched “Queen Charlotte, A Bridgerton Story” on Netflix. It’s a love story, but an unusual one. It’s fiction based on a true story apparently.
There are a few accounts of Queen Charlotte of England having been from a mixed cultural heritage, however, history books have chosen not to deal with it. However, the director of this show wanted to shine light on this specific element, and explore a hypothetical plot line where the society is more inclusive and embraces diversity.
The show touches on other axes of diversity (a gay love affair, etc.) but one that I thought would have been hard for most people to understand, even today, is the neuro-diversity in marriage between King George III and Queen Charlotte.
George III is supposed to have had bipolar disorder, and Queen Charlotte chose to remain married to him, despite that. But it’s not a choice she made out of pity, but one that she made out of moral duty and love.
It’s not love like we know it from other movies. It’s the kind of love that we barely see, let alone understand, and that’s what makes the show special.
As soon as the couple is married, they move into different homes. George avoids Charlotte, because he’s aware of his mental condition and doesn’t wish to inflict any pain on her. But she has no idea about any of this, and feels rejected.
She’s aware that there’s something amiss with them, but doesn’t quite understand what it is until one night when George III runs out of the Palace into the garden fully naked screaming at Venus (the planet) in the sky.
That’s the point in their marriage that she realises what this relationship would entail.
She handles that situation with utmost grace and affection. It’s beautiful. But you can’t miss the shock, confusion or embarrassment she feels underneath, being watched by the others in the palace.
She can’t discuss it with anyone because she’s the queen. It also seemed like no one else around actually understood what that relationship could look like, apart from feeling apprehensive or apologetic.
Their love story makes little sense to the average viewer. The show doesn’t focus much more on their marriage, apart from the initial years, so you don’t really get to understand how the really long marriage evolved.
But you’re reasonably sure that they evolved their own custom template for love because the last scene is really tender and moving.
An heir to the throne has just been conceived, and the Queen is ecstatic to hear the news. The first thing she does is rushes to George’s room to share the news with him. She goes and lies down under his bed, where King George III feels safe to be “just George” for Charlotte. They share a private moment of happiness in their own world.
This scene makes you realise that their love need not make sense to anyone else, but themselves. It was this part of the show that I could relate to the most.
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When I got married over a decade ago, I felt the same sort of complex emotions as Charlotte did. It felt like being caught in a storm, and not knowing if I should run towards it or away from it.
Just like Charlotte, I wasn’t sure if our relationship was turning out the way it was because of something I did. What if I was not good at marriage, and was royally screwing this up?
It was only a little over a year after being married that my husband received a formal diagnosis for ADHD and depression. I felt the same sense of loneliness as Charlotte from not being able to discuss it with anyone.
Sometimes, I wonder if that solitude helped me think deeper about marriage. For someone on the outside, I might be married to someone with ADHD but for me, I’ve not known my partner any other way. Everything about him makes him who he is.
I can deal with it, not because I always know how to, but I choose to. That choice has made it easier for me to understand him, as is, and build our relationship from scratch. If I were to sit on the fence with everyone else, I would have probably walked out of my marriages ages ago.
That’s what happens to most neuro-diverse marriages - they end up in divorce. As for the rest, they just get deemed as bad marriages, where no one really understands why the husband or the wife is putting up with “such behaviour” from their partner.
But what most people fail to appreciate is that two individuals can build a relationship that’s healthy for the two of them. This need not be healthy for someone else.
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If only we didn’t succumb to societal judgement, instead, we enjoyed the freedom to build our own template of love, we’d all be much happier in our marriages. Thanks to social media, we are only more susceptible to such societal judgement than we ever were even half a century ago.
You spend 5 seconds seeing someone’s instagram, tweet or tiktok, and you are forced to form an opinion about them. These algorithms then just feed you more and more to help solidify that judgement, robbing you of the opportunity to really think about someone or their situation.
There’s a singular narrative on what a good relationship entails - couple has common interests, political or spiritual leaning, they never fight, they have great sex, they lead a hedonistic lifestyle, constantly pouring each other with presents/ praises, they are soulmates and independently satisfy all their partners’ needs consistently, forever.
We then start measuring our lives with this yardstick built on perceived outcomes of someone else’s decisions, with little to no shared context. We even start sharing shame with those whose lives are nothing like ours, all because these things are taken out of context on social media and penetrate our being like universal truths.
No one ever talks about the real challenges in a marriage, even for perfectly healthy individuals - playing infinite long-term games with uncertain pay off, being hopeful during difficult times, bouncing back up with resilience and the sheer physical and emotional labour of coordinating with another human being on daily decisions.
But you can’t understand the depth of any of this if you remain half-hearted in a marriage with an eye always towards the emergency exit.
Even though I’ve not been diagnosed of any mental conditions (despite my best efforts!!), I’ve come to appreciate my uniqueness much more with my husband. Strangely, marriage has offered us more acceptance than we ever offered ourselves.
Is that because we love each others’ quirks? No, not always. But is it because we love each other despite them?
Possibly, I’d say that’s been the case so far.
What I’m reading/ watching/ listening to:
ASD Marriage: For neurotypical people, the term neuro-diversity tends to be this overarching umbrella of all possible neurological conditions resembling each other. While there is some overlap in behaviours, the experiences are unique to each individual. This is an account of what a few ASD marriages look like, so this may give you a flavour for it, but not explain everything about a specific individual case.
Conflict Resolution in neuro-diverse relationships: A simple starting point for managing conflicts in relationships, even if you don’t have a diagnosis.
Shapely Gal song: Blame it on me by SJUR, Boye & Sigvardt, Peg Parnevik
This hit hard because I am also in a relationship with a man diagnosed with ADHD and depression. Whenever I have spoken to someone on the fence about my relationship, they have always reminded me that walking out would be easier. But, I don't want to because I derive joy with him, despite the myriad challenges. And it matters that I see him trying to deal with it.
"But you can’t understand the depth of any of this if you remain half-hearted in a marriage with an eye always towards the emergency exit." This line - I have done this; anytime I hit a challenge I wonder, would it be smart to walk away now while I am still young and have 'options'? I feel ashamed of thinking this way, because I dont think my partner wavers in his choice of me.....
After 7 years I have chosen to end the relationship with my ADHD (self diagnosed) partner. It has been a very difficult choice to make not least because she has so many positive qualities. Deep appreciation to your husband and you for creating an unique togetherness that just seems impossible to the likes of me.
For me, perhaps the real decision point was that I am also challenged and knowing that about myself made it clear to me that this would be a very difficult future for the both of us.