Volatility & Happiness
Oh hello, it’s been a while huh?
I wish you could see my setting this very moment as I write this newsletter - the warm glow of a dim lamp at my desk lighting up my face, the hum of house music in my ears and a calm slowly swirling inside of me like I haven’t felt in a while. Bliss, I tell you.
Work has kept me away from writing. But interestingly, it’s also made me think a lot about how we measure the quality of our lives, in particular relationships. When I think of my relationships, I barely recollect the mellow moments. It’s always the highs and the lows. Why do the more volatile moments linger around for much longer?
Volatility and happiness
Two attributes that are most commonly used to measure a relationship are the “highs” or volatility and baseline happiness. I was thinking of this 2 x 2 of volatility and happiness in relationships.
Most relationships tend to be in the low volatility (mild bickering) and low baseline happiness quadrant. You may be in on too, and it’s okay. You’ll survive.
Some relationships tend to be highly volatile and low baseline happiness, which most likely ends in a breakup or quiet quitting, if married.
Some relationships tend to be highly volatile and have a high baseline happiness. It can be confusing because you aren’t sure if the happiness is inherent or a side effect of volatility. In any case, these relationships survive too.
When there’s low volatility, but high baseline happiness, that’s probably a rock solid partnership. These relationships don’t just survive, they thrive.
Now, I don’t think any of these states are permanent either, but which quadrant do you find yourself in, this very moment?
Perfect fit, basic cut offs:
The most common articulation of a soulmate is that one person’s soul instantaneously resonates with another’s, and thereafter they are able to move perfectly in sync with each other. The outcome of this “sync” is that either there are never any disagreements in this pair or the ones that arise will be magically disappear.
If you are a student of science, and have any appreciation for Schrondinger or Heisenberg, you probably realise that although romantic, this idea of a soulmate is at best a fantasy. So yes, I don’t think there exists a pair of people in the world who seamlessly fit perfectly into each other sustainably, without effort. And if you were to ever measure it’s perfection, you’d be sure to destroy it.
But does that mean any two people can figure out a way to co-exist? Contrary to what your grandparents may have told you, no, that’s not true either. Some people are more wrong for each other than they are right. So, if you can’t figure out if someone’s right for you, you better figure out if they’re more wrong for you.
But how do you do that?
You need a basic cut off. Your basic cut off might be different from someone else’s but it really has to be basic, and not a laundry list of all the socially approved traits that are nearly unattainable. If I could throw a few generic pointers your way, it may serve you well to appreciate a match of intent, mutual curiosity and respect.
If they don’t want to be on the same journey as you, what’s the point of even trying to walk hand in hand? If someone’s not curious about you, instead they’re happy living with their idea of who you might be, that’s not very nurturing. You’d think this is pretty basic, but you’ve no idea how unbelievably rare it is to sustainably find these three qualities instantly in a relationship, romantic or not.
Quiet quitting
Been reading about this quiet quitting thing quite a bit these days. Made me wonder if there’s quite a bit of quiet quitting in relationships too? Have you ever been in arguments with your partner, and seen the same patterns repeat over and over again, and you just stop trying to fight it? You lug yourself along in the relationship, but slowly your heart keeps giving up just a little each time until you don’t care anymore.
Then you have children, shared assets and then it’s a whole lot of administrative hassle to quit, so you just keep calm and carry on. Sounds familiar? No no, it’s not all doom. You can fix it, and your life in general but it’s a choice, and one that requires enormous amount of will power - eitherway. That’s all.
Marriage Sabbaticals
A few years ago, I took a sabbatical from my marriage and moved to Barcelona. I didn’t call it a sabbatical then, but in retrospect, that’s what it was. The opportunity for both the husband and I to live independently and enjoy some alone time.
The idea of two adults coming together, and having to coordinate on every single life choice isn’t easy. I think space in a marriage is really important to build endurance. This need not be miles apart, can be in the same house really.
A friend and I were out for drinks, and we were both talking about how we enjoy spending time on our own even though we’re married. It felt like there’s almost some sort of shame or guilt about enjoying one’s own company while married. It’s like wanting to have a lie in for a few days and not going to work. So, we wondered what it would be like to have a sabbatical in a marriage?
This isn’t about some sexual escapade, but just being by yourself while still being married, without having to be a wife, mother or whatever role that entails tremendous non-stop responsibility.
But yeah, some people may want to use the sabbatical to try some “side hustles”, sure. To each their own. In any case, the idea of a sabbatical in a marriage is one our society must think about, just like the marriage licenses concept I spoke about.
Sneak peak into what I’m reading/ watching/ listening to:
How Women Rise - This was a recommendation from one of the readers of this newsletter, and I am so glad this book helped me break my dry spell in reading.
Uncoupled - this show about an NYC based gay couple who split after being together for many years just makes you realise love is just love, and it doesn’t matter what genders are involved. This was like a male version of SATC for me.
Indian Matchmaking - having been approached by the EP for this season in 2020, I had to watch this. I’ll be honest, it was a bit underwhelming. But I may just be bitter for not having made it through the audition ;)
Shapely Gal song of the month: Eyes on You by Nitti Gritty and Jimmy Levy
So so so true.