Unambitious boys

The new losers in the marriage market

This edition of the newsletter is inspired by men who don’t make the cut. This is also my attempt at balancing your worldview if you enjoyed reading this piece.

In the last decade, we’ve seen a rise in well-educated men abandoning stable corporate careers to start-up and embrace a riskier future. Unlike 9-5 jobs, the start-up life is 24/7 and hence, suffers from high burn out. So, we’re also seeing a rise in men either retiring early, or pursuing lifestyle careers such as passive investing, freelancing and so on.

Unfortunately, success in business follows power law and so only a handful of people achieve disproportionate pay-off for their risk. The marriage market is conditioned to expect men to bring financial stability. As a result, women don’t find men who aren’t professionally successful attractive. 

Despite a rise in women’s education and professional success, men still only want good looking wives who are caring and drama free. Everything else is a bonus. Since women have added financial independence to their repertoire, they’ve assumed that men have grown too, especially in areas they previously lacked – emotional intelligence, managing a household and raising children. 

But unfortunately, most men have remained behind.

In Indian families, mothers inspire daughters to have a better life than they ever did. Mothers also inspire sons to have wives that will take shit lying down just like they did. I think the day men get sick of such mothers, they might start aspiring for more from their partners, and finally start living up to the ambitions of their future wives. 

But will that ever happen? Will we ever see men who want women who’re nothing like their mothers? Or are women just destined to marry the Akshays (of Indian matchmaking fame) of the world? 

While we’re still talking about Indian matchmaking, lets look at Aparna Shewakramani. She’s a successful woman who had the privilege to pursue her own interests and doesn’t need to live vicariously through her future spouse. Yet, she wants a man who is as successful and ambitious as her. 

Where does this need stem from?

Social conditioning.

Men are expected to be the primary breadwinners for a family, and women primary carers for children. It’s not really about whether you like the idea or not, but that is essentially how we have evolved as a society over thousands of years. 

More recently, the Indian society has been evolving and has been encouraging it’s women to strive for equality in the workplace and its immensely uplifting for women. However, as a society, we are less than kind to men who want an equal opportunity at home.

While women struggle to break-free from social conditioning, it isn’t exactly clear what these men can offer in in a brand new world where women are equally or more successful than their male partners. There is a need for men to clarify their value, just as women did for several years by displaying their talent in singing, cooking or tailoring.

Whenever I ask women what they want from partnerships, I find their answers to be hovering around the following:

·      Someone who respects my independence

·      Someone I respect (read professionally more successful) 

·      Someone who is an equal partner at home 

But when I ask them what they’re willing to trade in return, they say the same things. That’s not how trade works, or matching markets for that matter. An emotionally supportive man might quit his software engineering job to open a patisserie. He may be happy to support your dreams of being an investment banker but can you handle that? 

If you’re already married, chances are, you may be okay with that, but if you’re evaluating him as a future partner in the arranged marriage market, unlikely you’ll even respond to his text. Our society is far from accepting men who don’t fit the pre-approved template.

Most men aren’t really on one end of the spectrum where they just want to be stay at home husbands, and can do a stellar job managing the household. They may every intention to do so, but they are far from being qualified at it. 

May be they haven’t had enough opportunities to hone their skills? But isn’t that similar to providing opportunities to the underrepresented in the workforce? How would we like someone saying “Oh how do I trust that you’re worth the position given the credibility your gender has entering the C-suite”.

Women want the best of both worlds just because their previous generation got the worst of both. In fact, I am guilty of guilt too. The genuinely nice men who are either already evolved or have potential to do so end up as collateral damage.

These mouldable husbands or men who are open to equal partnerships, just like us, need opportunity and encouragement to be better partners. Few women have the courage to take on a long-term project like this. 

Women are most afraid of men who are insecure about not being like other men or being less than the woman. The marriage becomes too consuming, and it is not worth a woman’s time. 

Strangely reminds me of a company I once worked for where they were afraid of hiring women because they’d eventually get married or have children and “not be as committed or good at their work” unlike their male counterparts.

If a person (man or woman) appreciates what you do, and you can use such encouragement in your life to make progress and he/she has his/her own ambitions that he/she wishes your support for, then that’s a reasonable partnership to consider. 

The rest, you’ll figure out on the go.