You remember a time when “complicated” was a relationship status? That was the entrance of a new genre in relationships. But now, I hear we have transformed the industry altogether. We’re no longer calling it a relationship. Apparently it’s now called a situationship - making the best of any situation.
Whether you’re single, married or separated, people are working it all the way.
I recently met a friend visiting from the US, and she was explaining “polyamory” to me as if it was Hersheys kisses, and we were living in the 90s. I had to enlighten her that it was very much available in India now.
If you’re single, you could be as single as an old lady with a cat or be in a non-exclusive relationship or just enjoy fringe benefits. If you’re married, you could be sati savitri or be swinging with consent.
The only difference between India and the west is that we’re good at keeping our business hidden from our neighbours. I have done tonnes of research and interviews on this, and I can assure you that the scene is not just national, it’s very hyperlocal.
My mum said I should do a “zoom class” for uncles/ aunties on modern concepts like this. My US friend said she’d sign up too. Should I?
Marriageable age
People still ask me what the acceptable age for marriage in India today is. I don’t know if there is such a thing. But what I can tell you in that average age of men and women on matrimonial platforms is 31 and 29 respectively. This number has been slowly and steadily increasing over the years. I think it’s mostly because of:
Greater access to education and higher competition - men and women are far more educated today, which also means that the race for economic stability is longer. People spend over a decade carefully constructing some semblance of a stable career before they brave the decision of bringing another adult into the mix of life decisions.
More opportunities for single people - being single isn’t as isolating as it used to be, thanks to technology. This increases access to community, social events as well as a transient pool of people willing to “mingle”, including ones who are married. So your exposure to the perils of perpetual singledom is limited.
Illusion of infinite choices - once again, thanks to technology, we believe that there always be a version upgrade on anyone we meet, and they’re just a swipe away. But what we completely disregard is that our desires constantly outpace availability. So, we have no idea where to stop and take the “bait”.
I think being single and living on your own a little before getting into a committed relationship is a privilege. Personally, I think everyone should experience it.
Are we less likely to get married?
Recently, a friend told me that he got married because of peer pressure and social conditioning. But, that marriage didn’t last. Now, he’s not inclined to marry again, but is open to dating (with caution).
More and more people on the internet “seem” single at any given point of time, but marriages aren’t going anywhere. People have fleeting moments when they’d rather be single, but I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who has felt the need to be single forever, consistently. Humans are social animals, we’re not wired to lead isolated lives.
You may have met older people who live on their own, but it’s usually not by choice. Do they regret being single? Probably not. Do they wish they weren’t single? Maybe. So, marriage is a sort of insurance for old age. If you happen to have a lovely married life, then that’s just you paying lower premium.
You may feel like you don’t need insurance - instead of “paying a premium”, you’d rather enjoy the excess to lead a better quality life right now. If anything, the insurance industry has only grown over the years, so you’re definitely in the minority.
Well, being single doesn’t necessarily mean isolation, at least not in your youth and definitely not if you’re an extrovert. But as you grow older, no matter who you are, I think we’ve lesser energy to build and sustain a reliable social circle who are willing to invest as much time and energy in us, if not more than us.
What I’m reading/ watching/ listening to:
Don Wong - This was brutally honest, and hilarious.
Shapely Gal song of the week: 3am by Landis & Julia Viktoria
as you grow older, no matter who you are, I think we’ve lesser energy to build and sustain a reliable social circle who are willing to invest as much time and energy in us, if not more than us - this is so so true. Very well written!