Simmering Expectations

It’s been a while huh? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve come sat at my desk, stared at a blank screen for hours and struggled to let my thoughts flow out. They’ve been swirling in my head, feeling giddy, unable to figure out how to wriggle out.

It’s like someone’s standing guard warning them not to step out until they are perfectly crystallised. They’ve tried to sneak out when no one’s looking, as they are, soon to be caught by the perfection police.

But today, they are going to escape, and nobody can stop them. They are going to run, run for their lives and never look back.

So, bear with me if the words aren’t perfect. I’ve finally given myself permission to be perfect with my imperfections, or imperfect with my perfections, I can’t tell which one it is.

*

For the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about so many things, some for a bit longer than others. I’ll just pick a thought at random and try to persist.

Recently, someone told me that they had very big expectations from their married life, but they are nowhere close to having any of them fulfilled. This has filled them with anger, frustration, grief and now apathy towards their marriage.

I could feel their anguish because it’s a familiar feeling. We’ve all felt it at least once, especially if you’ve been married a while. I am not qualifying it as a good or a bad thing. I am only trying to understand why we have the propensity to expect anything at all.

Are we born with expectations? Can’t be. But even if that’s the case, we lack the language to communicate them, or have them understood.

But you see, expecting is the earliest form of behavioural conditioning. But it’s not until we are much older that we learn to take them, at least some of us.

A baby cries when it’s hungry. We feed the baby. It cries again, we feed again. Then it starts to become a pattern. The baby now expects to be fed when it cries. When that expectation isn’t met, it cries not only out of hunger now, but fear, anger and anguish too.

Craving for gratification and certainty is one of the earliest behaviours we train. So, may be it’s not human to expect, instead a worldly or a mortal trait. This is the way of being in this universe.

So, maybe this explains why philosophy or religion or spirituality is centred around the idea of overcoming this way of being, in order to attain immortality.

Expectations are the result of attachment, and it sets us up for disappointment (or at least has a 50% chance of it). But isn’t relationship attachment too? So can we possibly be attached to a relationship but not to expectations?

If it is wise to simmer expectations from a partner or a partnership, why labour through a marriage? Why marry at all?

I am married, so I don’t ask myself this question as often as someone contemplating this decision today. But it is a question I have asked myself in order to rationalise my decision post-facto.

The best answer I’ve come up with is this - it has been a great honour to have someone witness as I experience life, and be that person for my husband. We may be a mess, but there’s great solace in being a mess together.

Based on Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, you can’t merely be a witness, you are bound to have an impact. This impact can be both positive and negative. When it’s positive, we are conditioned to expect more of this goodness and when it’s negative, we are conditioned to feel fearful, frustrated, upset or angry.

Such is life. Such is marriage.

But we struggle to see it, especially in our own lives, and especially now, in the age of social media. The internet amplifies mimetic desire. When I look around, there’s perfection everywhere - carefully curated photos and captions, and neatly trimmed versions of people’s lives.

This creates a distorted version of one’s external reality. And it is reinforced over and over again, every single day, until it becomes one with our subconscious understanding of reality, and in turn, our expectations.

Theoretically, most of us get how this works, but in our weakest moments, somewhere deep down, we cling to this distorted sense of reality for hope.

If someone else can have a happy marriage, even I can and I must.

Life has become a game, and I don’t enjoy playing it. It’s not always easy for me to relate to people around me. So, trying to relate to others as a couple is doubly unintuitive. Yet, the infrastructure of virtual reality is so strongly constructed, that it’s hard to escape its trap.

So, I’ve had to forcibly pull myself out of this. I got off Facebook/ Instagram a few years ago. I don’t want a sneak peak into the highlights of anyone’s virtual lives, especially that of loose ties or strangers.

This way, I no longer have a zoomed out view of anyone’s marriage looming over mine. I am able to enjoy my relationship (or not) for what it is without having to assess it against some fictional social template.

Also, I am lucky to have friends and family who value authenticity just as much as I do, so our conversations always keeps me grounded in reality (read cynical).

*

This doesn’t mean we are always satisfied with everything we deal with on a daily basis and that we must feel no need to change anything. It takes two of us to make a couple, and actions taken by our partners will have a profound impact on us. It may not always be a positive outcome for us.

But that’s cue for us to communicate and negotiate. It’s not always easy to come to a consensus, especially when both parties are trying to strongly guard their independent boundaries.

When we labour through, sometimes, we reach favourable terms. Not always. Multiple failed negotiations are also a possibility, and we may eventually call it quits, and that might be the right decision.

But it can’t be without trying because …

Marriage is a privilege, but its also a responsibility.

---

What I’m reading/ watching/ listening to:

The Bridge: I am slow-watching this Swedish/ Danish murder mystery on Prime. One of the cops solving the case is supposed to be autistic, so the husband and I are watching the show together. It’s one of the few adult things that we have been able to do together (away from the kids i.e.), so I really cherish that time together. Strangely, it makes me feel more connected to him.

The divided self - this is such a beautiful essay about the contrasting lives one can live being in India and abroad. Hard relate.

Mediocrity - This essay on striving for mediocrity made me wonder if we set ourselves up for failure by trying to optimise for being in extraordinary marriages. May be this merits a whole essay in itself.

Tolerating Unknowns - Heather with her usual awesome thoughts.

Shapely Gal song - Navarasam by Thaikkudam Bridge, just because I am listening to it on loop as I write this today.