Relationship Transitions
One of the most profound insights I’ve got from conversations with married couples is that every relationship goes through several transitions during its lifetime, and you’ve just got to care extra for your relationship at those times to come out stronger.
What are these transitions anyway?
These are all the times in a relationship where there is some sort of change that the couple needs to deal with. This can be getting married, one/ both starting new jobs, it can be one/ both dealing with some sort of loss/ grief, this can be moving cities, moving homes, having a child, parenting, etc. Anything that disrupts “stability” in a couples’ life is a transition, and being “prepared” for this transition as a couple helps you get through the transition as one team.
Whether you “win” or not, playing as a team helps you come out stronger as a “team” at the end of the transition. One of my greatest learnings having played basketball competitively is that great teams are built. Yes, built. That’s right. Built on intent, commitment and trust.
When you’re on court, the environment (the way your opponents are playing) is constantly changing, sometimes predictably, sometimes not. Every moment on the court relies on a thorough understanding of yourself and your teammates, trust that you can make a pass and they’ll either finish or pass it back in time for you to finish. You don’t have time to “talk it out” on court, so your combined ability to react together in the moment depends on hours of preparation.
Relationships are no different.
You play, identify your own strengths and weaknesses, give each other pointed and constructive feedback to help each other strengthen your own skills to contribute to this “team” better. If you’re both intentional about getting better individually, and playing together as a team, you’ll learn to trust each other better. The stronger that trust muscle grows, the easier it becomes to navigate transitions in your relationship.
Just because the individuals are awesome people, it doesn’t mean they make for a great team together automatically. This is probably one of the hardest lessons people learn in their lives. When I first learnt about adhesion/ cohesion in physics back when I was 11 or something, I was fascinated. I really wish there was a segue into that lesson about life, and how these concepts play out in social circumstances.
These leaves us with two questions now:
Do you make the right team?
If not, when do you call it quits?
The right team
Is there such a thing?
Life is like a multi course obstacle race. In fact, sometimes, you don’t even know what obstacles are going to be thrown your way. In this case, how do you pick a team? Most people who’ve started playing this game before you like your uncle, aunty, grandmother, etc. might tell you to pick a player who can bring in money, can cook/ clean or has the genetic make up to produce the most profitable progeny.
But would that work for you? I don’t know.
Life is like Calvinball. You make up the rules as you go. Also, there’s really no finish line. Wait, I don’t think we’ve ever been taught to play such games, so it’s okay that most of us spend our entire lifetimes trying to figure this out. May be that’s how you play this game?
Then, all you need is someone who is willing to play with you or someone you’re willing to play with. Also, you need patience and loads of communication to build trust, and get better at navigating obstacles together.
Calling it quits
Uncertainty is daunting. Schools don’t teach us how to deal with uncertainty or making decisions. A “syllabus” is possibly the biggest scam. You remember how “an out of syllabus question” was the biggest curveball school life could throw at us, and skipping that question was an acceptable way of dealing with the unknown?
On the other hand, quitting is taboo. The world gets to decide when it is ok or not ok for YOU to quit. Bizarre, ain’t it? It’s hard enough to be in a situation where you’ve become aware of being in misalignment with who you are or your needs, imagine if you also had to optimise for society on whether it was the right time for YOU to quit YOUR relationship.
If you ever find yourself asking this question - is it time to end a relationship? You can talk to friends, therapists or coaches, but believe me, at the end of the day, YOU are the only one who knows the answer to that question, and you are the only one who gets to make that decision (with your partner of course).
There is NO right or wrong answer or time to making this decision.
What I’m reading/ listening to/ watching:
Mysteries of the unconscious: I’ve always known that I am a highly intuitive person, but I’ve struggled to embrace this wholeheartedly. Could be my conditioning? We live in a world where data and “steps” matter more than “feelings”. Is it because it’s more predictable, and that makes majority of the population comfortable in the modern world? Possibly. But let’s say you are alone in a jungle, and you have no access to information - how do you thrive? You rely on your basic senses, try to find patterns and take risks based on instincts to move ahead. It is the most primitive survival kit we’re all born with, except, we barely use it in the modern world, let alone hone it.
Philosophy: I want to give a shoutout to a friend, Anand, who teaches philosophy in Bangalore. Recently attended a few lectures, which were super interesting and calming. If you’ve an interest in the topic, do check them out.
Theatre: I’ve always enjoyed watching plays, especially Kannada plays. While I’d done some work backstage (art, music), I’ve zero on-stage experience. So, I joined a theatre workshop nearby to try something new. I’m half way through the workshop, but it’s been an exhilarating experience so far to learn something from scratch. As a part of the workshop, I’ve to write a play that all of us in class will perform this weekend. I am writing one about relationships (duh!).
Shapely Gal song of the month: Karma by Robinson, Alpharock and Devan. This song was part of my “Discover Weekly” a couple of weeks ago, and I listened to it on loop SO MANY times, but forgot to “like” it. Given my trouble with catching lyrics, I’ve looked for this song so desperately over the last week or two, it’s not funny. So apt that this song is called “Karma” because I literally found the song again a minute ago, when I was about to give up and publish this newsletter without a song.