Failed alliances
generation gap, or just communication gap?
This week’s newsletter is based on failed alliances, thanks to people who bail saying they aren’t ready yet.
Some of you may know that I assist people in managing their presence on various matrimonial platforms. One morning, I received this message from one of my clients’ matches:
“dear Miss X, good morning,iam Mr Y, HSR layout Bangalore father of Z. kindly talk to my son Z who is in Los Angeles California usa XXXX XXX XXX and my cell no,at Bangalore XXXXX XXXXX ask your mother or father to speak to me.as i was a senior officer IAS rtd and give me your parents address and phone number please and send me details of your job biodata salary cell no please urgently please from Mr Y HSR layout Bangalore father of Z.”
First of all, I was slightly concerned with the “urgency” of this message. Secondly, it was clearly poor judgement on my part to have sent an expression of interest to Mr Z here. But I won’t take the blame fully because the profile said it was created and managed by self.
Anyway, I responded on behalf of my client saying if Mr Y doesn’t mind, my client would like to speak with Z directly and only involve parents on either side if and when things move forward. Unfortunately, when my client contacted this Z fellow, he responded saying he wasn’t even interested in having an arranged marriage because the thought of living with a complete stranger was scary for him.
Whatever.
In several other instances, I’ve seen women trying to soften the blow on men by trying to convince them that they want to take things slow despite their biological clocks or whatever screaming otherwise. It sucks. It absolutely sucks balls. I mean why should anybody have to convince another person about having to get married, let alone a complete stranger?
Ladies, the onus of raising men is not on you.
I’ve noticed a pattern with men - they’re simply shit scared to get married. They’re worried it will tie them down as if they’ve got a lot of game. While women are confused about whom to marry, men are confused if they should marry at all. Of course, not all men and all that but quite a sizeable number are pretty scared. They’re scared of their parents. They’re scared of their potential wives, and their future lives.
Does this fear have anything to do with not having confidence to make decisions in general? Does this fear have anything to do with a clear path being laid out for them since the day they’re born? Does this fear have anything to do with the unknowns beyond lines they’ve never crossed? I don’t know. But guess what guys, you’re not alone. Women are scared of the unknown too. Marriage is just as scary for women too. But that doesn’t entitle you to be on a platform pretending to be ready for something that you’re clearly not or because you’ve have issues telling your daddy about it.
Actually, its not just men.
Someone women are like this too. I’ve another incident to share.
I’d been speaking to one of my aunt’s friends, who is looking to get his daughter married. Although I almost never make introductions without speaking to the person looking to get married, I took a chance. Given how much I’d spoken to the parent, I assumed the parent and the daughter communicated just as much. So, I introduced her to one of my clients, but it turns out she didn’t respond properly to the guy because she was upset with her parents for having given her number to strangers. Thanks to her, at least three people were left feeling utterly embarrassed.
Why can’t people just talk to their parents and ask them to back off if they don’t want their parents to be sharing numbers with strangers before they unknowingly break a few hearts like this? Is it that hard to imagine the pain (albeit momentarily!) you’re putting other human beings through?
I’ll never understand.
I am not the enemy. You are. Your inability to speak up is your enemy.
Those of you that I’m talking about are surely mad at me already for accusing you of breaking hearts, but imagine how much trouble you could’ve saved by just talking to your parents about what you want in the first place?
I don’t hate you. I don’t hate your parents. I don’t hate nobody. But it’s important to talk. Speak up. Communicate clearly about what you want and what you don’t want. It might hurt to start off with, but believe me, you’ll cause far lesser pain in the world, including to yourself. That’s all.
I am going to let you in on a secret if it makes you feel better, ok?
I don’t endorse marriage. Freedom is a high price to pay for life-long companionship, especially if you’re a loner. So, it’s completely normal to find the idea of marriage daunting.
Marriage means two of you taking one step together as opposed to being able to take two steps on your own. Every aspect of your life requires coordination. It’s not always easy. But remember that when you barely have the strength to move one step forward, sometimes, you can count on someone to hold you while you make the leap together.
This is hard to appreciate when things are going well in your own life and you’re sprinting through personal milestones. But if you ever do pause, or things slow down for you, think about it.
Sneak peak into what I’m reading:
Matilda by Roald Dahl - This is yet another of those children’s classics that I’d never read before. It’s strangely cute.
Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie - just started reading this book yesterday. Recently, I realised how little I know about so many countries in the world. So, I decided to start reading at least one book from every country. There’s something fascinating about learning through stories. Although I am very aware that it is a single story, from a certain perspective, but one that you’d never have if you never read these stories.
Pandemic has changed dating once again it seems, but what about people who want to start dating?