Our obsession with love marriage
This week’s newsletter is inspired by a bio I saw on Shaadi.com which said “Love marriage is one of my biggest dreams in life, so I am hoping to fulfil that dream here”.
Among the many things we aren’t allowed to do growing up in Indian homes, falling in love tops the list. When something is taboo, it becomes alluring. All the repressed energy needs an outlet. So, we try, but mostly fail, and admission of failure is the last thing we’ll do. Instead, we convince ourselves that we’ll still have a love marriage even if the world doesn’t think so.
“Did you have a love marriage or an arranged one”
“Love”
“Sweet, where did you two meet?”
“Ummm we met on Bharatmatrimony”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, but we dated for sometime, fell in love and then decided to get married”
“Of course”
What is and isn’t love marriage?
I am nobody to define what is and what isn’t a love marriage either, but I believe there’s a difference because of which there is a classification and specific nomenclature. For the purpose of this newsletter alone, I’d like us to be clear on the difference.
Primitive definition: One is love before marriage and the other is love after marriage.
Nuanced definition: When two people unexpectedly (key word!) end up enjoying each other’s company so much that they enter into a relationship that becomes long-term, legal and binding, it’s usually called a love marriage.
On the contrary, when you go onto Shaadi.com/ Tinder/ any platform which promises to find you a romantic companion and you fully intentionally pick out a partner that you eventually end up getting married to, it is NOT love marriage.
Just because you tested something before buying doesn’t make it love marriage. Sorry.
Arranged vs Love marriage
If there were ever a vote between the two, love marriage would win hands down. Despite this, over 80% of Indians have an arranged marriage. Why? Because arranged marriage is what you have when you don’t love, and not necessarily the other way around. Love is elusive, which is partly what makes it a bit more attractive. So, I don’t blame you if you want a love marriage.
Who is to blame then?
When I was 13-14, my friends and I watched this Tamil movie called “Minnale” (which was later re-made into Rehna Hai Tere Dil Main). The movie is about a girl who’s about to meet a prospect from the arranged marriage market. She ends up falling in love with him, only to realise that it was a case of mistaken identity. Having fallen in love with the “wrong guy”, she struggles to get married to “the right” guy from the arranged marriage market. Eventually she runs back to the guy she fell in love with.
Two major ways in which this movie completely distorts a young teenager’s reality:
It’s possible to fall in love with someone in the arranged marriage market
Love marriage trumps arranged marriage
Dil Chahta hai proved the first point with Saif and Sonali Kulkarni. Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam proved the second point with Salman Khan and Aishwarya Rai. Dil Se proved the second point too with Shah Rukh and Manisha Koirala. It may be a different movie in your case, but I bet some movie ruined love for you in ways it’s impossible to recover from.
The problem with teenage is that you’re old enough to watch such movies but too young to discern it from reality. During such an impressionable age when reality isn’t within reach, you extrapolate everything based on fiction.
What is reality then?
Now that you’re older, you probably already understand reality. May be you’re in denial. May be you’re not.
Love marriage does not trump arranged marriage, nor is it the other way around. Love or not, most marriages more or less end up the same way over time. Sure, my parents didn’t dance for “Dhol Bhaje”, but their lives are no different from the uncles and aunts who had a love marriage. It’s not any different in our generation either.
Life (rather the lack of it) eventually reduces us to 2.5 X 8 X 2 Ft, and love (or the lack of it) reduces life to lunch and the logistics around it. Admission of this truth brings us closer to reality, but honestly, who wants that? We want crazy things to aspire for, else what’s the point of living.
So, love marriage is what we shall have, and love after marriage is what shall evade us.
Sneak peak into what I’m reading:
Ask Polly - How I love this column on The Cut, and I wish I could have my column on the Mint Lounge back. We all need validation once in a while to know that we’re not alone. Somehow drowning together comforts us more than not drowning at all.
Domestic wars - I found this piece especially relevant now given that most of us have had to take on more than our usual share of household chores at home and how that has impacted our relationships at home.
Little Miss Shy goes online dating - I read this random book that I received as a gift from the husband. I’ve not read the Mr. Men series as a child, I probably didn’t have the context to appreciate the book. But I’m pretty sure some of you could relate to it better.