Organic Dating
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Organic Dating
As a society, we’ve romanticised the idea of attraction over relationships. Think about it - alaiypayuthey wouldn’t have been half as interesting without this train scene or this train scene.
If you’ve grown up watching this movie, or some younger cousin of it, then being on a matrimonial app feels like eating curd rice while craving for paneer pepper fry.
With amorphous intentions, I thought dating apps may offer some consolation to your cravings (like a half portion of curd rice with half portion of paneer pepper fry) , but apparently not enough.
People often say, dating apps don’t work for me, it feels too weird. How do I find love outside of these apps? I want to date organically.
Organic dating, much like organic food, is expensive. It’s far more time and effort intensive compared to your run of the mill matrimonial market maal. I’d rather use the secretary problem to find good enough raw material to work it into the dish I want.
You see, dating in the 21st century is complicated. Dating is more about your process than you as an individual. That’s frustrating for most millennials, and some gen-zs. We’ve little to no appreciation for the journey, we were raised to believe that results maketh your worth. Not getting a match or scoring a date is unacceptable, every single time. There’s no room for randomness.
So, how do you go from chasing performance to designing a robust process? This has been my life’s work. Together with my clients, I’ve spent the last decade trying to come up with a process to go from being single to being in a committed relationship.
The intent was to learn to detach from outcomes, and bring the focus to only things one can control. If you relate to this, and think that you could benefit from building a process for yourself, I am sharing a six-stage approach to modern dating, so you can create your own recipe for healthy dating.
I hope this helps you take “matters” into your own hands.
Stage 1: Understanding Yourself
This is a highly under-rated stage, that most people just skip. If you’re a fully grown adult with a semi-fluid personality, you’re likely able to identify (if not acknowledge) your quirks as an individual and the environments you thrive best in. So, why not apply this knowledge to relationships?
Attraction is a necessary but insufficient condition for relationships. Sustaining as a couple in a healthy relationship takes much more. I use a bunch of different exercises to help my clients think through their own quirks and find a balance between attraction and sustenance.
Stage 2: Putting Yourself Out There
Most millennials have gone through their entire childhoods and probably some part of their adulthoods believing that they were never enough. Although some are fortunate to be reclaiming value through therapy, but in general, putting yourself out there feels like baring yourself to be validated by someone else (yet again).
But you know what, you are enough. You are putting yourself out there so your future partner can see just the way you are. Chances are a million people will pass by you never looking twice, but you only need ONE (yes, one) person to see you. Now, the way to maximise the odds of this one person seeing you is by being everywhere they go.
Dress well, go out in the sun, get a friend to take your pictures, suck it up and put yourself out there. What’s the worst that can happen? No one will swipe on you for a month? So be it, at least you know you tried. In fact, may be that’s what we’re afraid to find out, that despite our best attempt, we may not influence the outcome.
There is no shortcut to be being out there. If you want to be there, BE THERE. If you can’t even convince yourself to be there, why would anyone else bother looking for you? It’s easy to tell if you’re on an app for the heck of it with a half-hearted presence.
Stage 3 - Finding suitable prospects
If you’ve put in some effort to gain clarity as mentioned in Stage 1, you will naturally begin to attract the relationships and people you desire. This is more obvious when you are in a physical sea of people who are able to see you and approach you.
Today, we spend an overwhelming part of our lives in a virtual world, where discovery is non-trivial. Some of the biggest tech firms in the world are trying to solve for this, yet no one’s come close to a solution that resembles human curation.
Until then, unfortunately, we’ve got to learn binary language, and translate our desires into black and white filters. When people try to help, they always ask - what are you looking for? But you say …
If you can’t help articulate what you want, but instead task them (a friend or an app) with the burden of translating your needs into proxies for search, chances are they won’t bother with either.
Before you do anything, just say what you want out loud, even to yourself. If it sounds utterly shallow and ridiculous, so be it. No one can tell you what you can and can’t have. But the market has a way of helping you realise this on your own at some point and that’s part of the “process” too.
When you are on an app, set your filters right and when you find a hottie (the type of person you desire), swipe right, without a second thought. If they swipe left, most of the time, you won’t even remember swiping right on them. But if they swipe right on you, imagine the possibilities?
Stage 4 - Making Conversation
Chatting up random strangers is awkward, yes. But being open to seeing if you’ll get better with practice is game changing. So, when you have a match on a dating app, send them a text. Practice making conversation. What’s the worst that can happen? No response? Monosyllabic response? Boring conversation?
That’s it. You can deal with that. Before you know it, rejections be like …
Having said that, here are a few things to bear in mind:
Be authentic, save yourself the hassle of an act
If you aren’t going to respond to that text, don’t send it
People aren’t on a dating app for a job interview, so don’t be boring
Conversations are two-way, so don't just play KBC
In-app chat is a triage before you get their digits, so don’t live there
Stage 5 - Going on a date
If you’re chatting with someone from the same city as you, the conversation better escalate into a in-person meeting soon enough. If someone’s being flaky, most of the time it’s because they’re either not interested ind dating, or not yet feeling safe with you. But it’s easy to find out - you can propose a phone call/ zoom call once you’ve chatted and exchanged pleasantries and CVs.
When you’re planning a date, the logistics can really make or break a budding relationship. It’s important to be considerate of each others’ preference be it in terms of location or timing or whatever. When people are comfortable, it’s really quite easy for them to bring their best selves.
I’ve probably already said this a million times, but walking dates are so fun. Takes away the pressure of making conversation or eye contact constantly, gets your endorphins pumped and it’s something you’d do even after you’re in a relationship with someone. The basic idea is to create a natural environment for a relationship to see if it thrives or not.
At the end of a date, if you did have a good time and would like to see them again, say so. Also, do thank them for their time whether you enjoyed hanging out with them or not. It’s just good date etiquette. There are many different possibilities of how they may respond, but you don’t need to assume any of this before you act. Let them have a real say too.
Stage 6 - Actual dating
When you’ve gone on a few dates with someone, you probably get comfortable enough to open up with them. It’s a good time to discuss things that are important for you in a relationship, if you haven’t already done so.
Try to listen to and understand their needs and see if they align with yours. At this point, it’s okay if they don’t yet. See how open they are to discussing these topics where your views differ. Do you disagree and walk away? Do you agree to disagree and grow closer? All of this matters.
If this hasn’t already come up in conversation, but you feel strongly about dating exclusively, tell them how you feel.
If they need more time to be sure, that’s fine. But try to understand their reasons for reservation and how you can help address them. If you don’t get concrete and convincing answers even after a few more conversations, then I am afraid, it’s time to move on. If not, PARTY!!!!
You are now officially DATING.
All of what I’ve told you so far seems pretty obvious, no? Except sometimes when someone else says it, the journey feels isolating. Shapely Gal alone is a community of nearly 2000 subscribers, and I am pretty sure at least 60% of you are single. That’s a fairly large gang, and if this relationship is transitive, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
So what are you waiting for?
Go make your own recipe for organic dating.
Sneak peak into what I’m reading/ watching/ listening to:
Nothing to envy by Barbara Demick : Yet another story about North Korea, but this is non-fiction. I find this country very amusing. I cannot believe we are contemporaries, yet our lives are all so different. This book reminded me a lot of Second Hand Time by Svetlana Alexievich, which I highly recommend that you read, especially given what’s going on with the world right now.
Focus on the process, not outcomes: This conversation between Esther Perel and Christina Pierpaoli Parker is so interesting.
Tinder Swindler: This show on Netflix is about a real-life cat fisher who’s swindled millions of dollars from women on Tinder posing as a Billionaire’s son. It was utterly heartbreaking to watch that. To have your trust betrayed is so much worse than being swindled. I cannot imagine how much courage it took these women to go out in the open and admit to being swindled.
Hot Singles NYC: I found this really cool newsletter. How cool would it be if there was a Bangalore version of it? Do you think Bangaloreans have enough swag to go out in public and say they’re single and looking for love?
Shapely Gal song of the month: Don’t Leave by Rich James & Pyro