Marriage, boredom & infidelity
It was a drunken night on Lavelle road, my friend told me about a club around the corner, which is apparently popular for orgies. I’d been there before but hadn’t noticed anything like that, so I was amused. I meet a lot of people in and out of relationships, but hardly anyone in many at once, with/ without their partner’s consent.
“Men look around for a reason to leave their marriages but women look around for reasons to stay” my friend said. I have a feeling this has nothing to do with gender (although there may be some correlation).
People change over time, sometimes they become boring. When we realise we’re boring, we look for evidence to believe otherwise. An easy proxy for this is attention from the opposite sex (or the same depending on your orientation). We try to garner attention even if none is coming our way. Once we start going down this path, it’s a slippery slope, don’t you think?
I find it useful to think of it like this - do you find yourself boring right now? If yes, remember that the person who is boring is you, and the person who thinks you’re boring is you. So, if there’s anyone who needs to stop being boring, it is you, and you are the only one to be convinced about you not being boring anymore.
I was watching a show on TV the other day, where the host was asking the guest about their views on physical and emotional infidelity, and which one is worse. There’s really no one answer fits all. These boundaries are pretty fluid, varies with couples, and also just indivuals and their state of mind at that moment in time. If you’re generally secure and feeling contented with your relationship, there may be space to discuss each others’ desires outside of the relationship - intellectual, emotional or physical.
Monogamy is a social construct. Our society (we) has conditioned us to believe that it is an acceptable format of relationships, so we all try our best to comply. It’s easier for some of us, it’s not so much for a few others. We’ve also been conditioned to feel guilt for failing to comply to societal expectations. A recently advancement in this space is that we also feel guilt when we fail to comply to our individual spontaneous desires.
So, where does that leave us?
At war.
At war with ourselves.
Talking about war, have you ever wondered why most of us fight the most with the people we love the most? Is this because we feel our free-est fullest selves with our loved ones? Yet, there’s an awkwardness around expressing love and gratitude to the ones we care the most about, and it’s the most bizarre thing about us.
Why do we hold back love from our loved ones, and anger from intruders?
Is it shame?
It’s considered “ill-mannered” to express anger in a social situation, especially with people outside of our close family and friends. We’re so indoctrinated in people pleasing, having personal boundaries in a society like India that’s traditionally been non-individualistic is considered strange. However, that’s evolving now.
Similarly, love is a private affair in India - confined to the comfort of our homes, with the lights off. Love in Lalbagh is shady, and we’re conditioned to feel shame with any public display of affection. I am not talking about just romantic love, but I don’t think we hug our parents enough or tell them how much we love them, and neither do they.
What does it take to wake up every morning, look at your partner and say - I LOVE YOU. I am so grateful that you are next to me, and we get to go through this life together. It’s as simple as that. Try it for a week, and let me know how it goes.
What I’m reading/ listening to/ watching:
The Lowland by Jhumpa Lahiri - just started reading this book. my kid brother picked this up for me when he came to visit us from New York. I absolutely love personal gifts, and I thought it was incredibly thoughtful of him to have chosen the books he did for each of us at home.
Jay Shetty with Susan Cain - I loved this conversation. It was powerful to learn that pain increases our desire to connect with other beings. The way some people process pain is through starting movements that can help others overcome their pain. This really helped me understand why single people want to build dating apps.
Principles of Pleasure - this Netflix series was quite educational. It also made me realise that I’ve never discussed sex with my parents. I mean, that’s how they made us, yet it’s the one thing we all feel so uncomfortable discussing. Why though?
Dating these days - this series by bumble is so thoughtfully curated. I loved every single conversation I’ve watched so far.
Shapely Gal song of the month - Drum Dialogue by James Asher. I want you to turn off the lights in the room, close your eyes and just shake. It’s therapeutic, I assure you.