Love, shame and illusion
Love is stillness, and not having to explain.
I’ve had several moments this year when the Universe has shown me things. I’d try to respond, and it would say, “sssh now. just watch, feel, experience”. I’d stay still and listen. There would be a moment of stillness, a oneness with the universe.
You know, its like when you are in a state of extreme pleasure, there isn’t enough oxygen for your brain to think, and it surrenders to your body. Like that. But my mind (the monkey) would butt in like a data-driven manager trying to justify it’s existence, and say “explain”.
Before I knew it, the moment would be gone, and the Universe and I would stand there staring at each other as strangers.
Love is an illusion …
don’t you think?
When you’re in love with someone, that love overflows and envelopes the two of you in this extraordinarily warm invisible oneness. This oneness that feels like an extension of yourself, where you are not afraid to fall or be hurt. It’s like an atomic bond - you can’t tell that salt is sodium and chlorine held together unless you broke their bond.
You know what I mean?
But when you fall out of love, this illusion of oneness suddenly disappears; as if it never existed in the first place.
Have you fought with your partner, and had that moment of realisation when you are no longer a grain of salt; but sodium and chlorine standing in a room like strangers?
You are screaming at each other, yet not being heard. You drop your defences because you no longer have the energy to fight. The oneness becomes two, and the two becomes three. There’s you, your partner and an unbearable pause that neither of you can penetrate. No pun intended.
The longer the oneness has been gone, the harder the awareness stings; and the lonelier you feel, isn’t it?
Love isn’t permanent, just as anything else in this universe. We fall in and out of love constantly, there are many external factors that influence a relationship. If someone tells you that their love is beyond all that, don’t believe them. They’re probably lying to you, or to themselves.
You remember that game we played as kids - human knot I think? You had to hold hands with your friends, and make a knot while the denner isn’t looking. The challenge is for the denner to untie the knot, and for the rest, it is to not let go. The rule for players was simple - bend, but don’t let go.
Marriage is somewhat like that - bend, don’t let go. Letting go is easy, anyone can do it. But bending without letting go is the hard part, it takes trust, and learning.
Shame in our bodies
Sex is as important to a relationship as is conversation. Growing familiar with each others bodies is much like understanding each others’ minds and thoughts. They strengthen the oneness, in their own unique ways.
But our bodies go their entire lives barely explored, either by ourselves, or our partners, or anyone else. What does it feel like to spend your enter life not being heard or understood? No, I ain’t asking your mind, I’m asking your body.
When you think of body shaming, you think of body fat, skin colour and what have you. But that’s only part of it. Have you ever stood in front of a mirror, watched yourself naked, not wanting to look away? Have you ever had your partner see you completely naked (with the lights on!) not wanting to cover yourself up. Have you ever watched your partners’ body with a sense of exploration, wanting to understand it?
Shame is everywhere in our bodies, hidden, waiting to be let out.
Do you remember when you were little, and you ran around the house with little to no clothes and people would “shame shame”, that’s when it got into your body. It’s been hidden there since, waiting to be let out. No, I don’t mean like Siddharth on Mount Road. But let that shame out in the privacy of your bedroom, in the safety of your partner’s openness.
Explore it, on your own. Explore it together. There’s no shame. It’s oneness.
What I’m watching, reading and listening to:
39: This new K-drama on Netflix is a touching rendition of friendship and love.
Love doesn’t know it’s way home: This was an absolutely precious find on substack.