Lessons from the animal kingdom
What our animal instincts tell us about the way we hunt for love.
Last weekend, I was visiting the Mysore zoo and as I was walking along, looking at animals in their cages, looking utterly bored, I couldn’t help but think of the thousands of profiles I see on matrimonial websites day in and day out.
Such a strange thought no? I don’t know if it’s the lack of supply or a strange algorithm, I keep seeing the same people over and over again on my home page. It’s like Amazon saying - hey! you previously viewed a mosquito repellant, did you forget to add it to your cart? Can we help you complete the purchase? You better, else we are going to bomb you with ads everywhere you go. We promise.
When I see these men on JS (Jeevansathi) or BM (Bharatmatrimony), at first, I am curious; but after seeing them over and over again, more than anything in the world, I just want to let them free. Free to roam around, be themselves, and not having to sell themselves to boost my ego - the animals, and the men alike.
It feels so cruel, especially because my mind starts to secretly believe that there might be something wrong with them for hanging around without garnering any interest. Of course it’s not their fault, for they aren’t even trying for christ’s sake!
Back in the zoo, I walked further along. I saw some birds, golden pheasants I think. It is a very colourful bird. At first, I didn’t quite think about the gender. Then, I noticed this boring brown bird lazing in the corner, and it then occurred to me that the colourful one was the male and the brown one was the female. The very next booth housed peacocks and peahens. Again, same story - pretty males, plain females. Then we saw the lions, and once again it was the same story.
It was like deja vu - men trying to strut their feathers like i-140 under processing, liberal minds and interest in hikes; and women just lying there undercover, quietly, behind the profiles created by their parents or siblings.
I learnt three lessons about the marriage market while at the zoo:
It’s a woman’s world now
Earlier, women needed to strut their feathers in the arranged marriage market with their cooking, singing, rangoli or tailoring skills. Some of them would even be put on display during the “traditional bride seeing” ceremonies. All this, in exchange for life-long financial security. But those days are long gone. Men have very little to offer.
On the contrary, a large majority of Indian men still need women, or mothers they can also fuck. So, essentially, in educated urban societies, we mimic the animal kingdom today. Women lie there, going about their lives, being educated and successful and men, on the other hand, must colour their feathers and fight.
Dating apps and Matrimonial websites, as they are today, are just brutal
You aren’t just fighting for attention from the opposite gender. You are fighting each other. Assuming you are done fighting yourself.
If you’ve ever filled one of those horrendous sign up forms on a matrimonial site, my sympathies are with you. When you’ve exhausted all will filling irrelevant objective type questions, bam!!! they end the form with an essay question asking you to describe yourself. It’s like an objective section of a CV or even worse, a cover letter. At this point, you want to be married already, not do more work.
Once you have this well crafted cover letter ready, you stand there hoping to be noticed by some half decent woman, but guess what, having seen a hundred other ‘About Me’s like yours, I can’t remember if you were an Ahuja or a Mishra anymore.
You all look like a large flock of golden pheasants huddled up next to one another. So unless you are able to bite the next one’s head off with a killer “about me”, you will stand there like yet another golden pheasant, who is a very successful hiking enthusiast in America with a “handsome package” and GC under processing.
It ain’t pretty; it’s a bloody bloodbath, my friend. But you know what, my heart goes out to you.
Finding a mate isn’t easy for anyone
Somewhere midway through my zoo wanderings, I stood there resting my hands on a wooden fence, unintentionally watching a bunch of Indian stags. There were lots of them without horns (females, I guessed) and just a handful with majestic horns (males I figured). You’d think the females outnumbering the males would mean that the females would be all over the males. But no, that’s definitely not how it works.
So, there was this female stag, standing in a puddle. A male stag started approaching her. He was trying his very best to hump her, but she kept turning away. Watching this from a distance, another male stag entered the scene. Now, both male stags followed the female stag. But after a point, the second male stag gave up and left. May be it was too much competition for him? Or may be it wasn’t worth the returns? Or may be he was living in the illusion of infinite swipes.
Anyway, I watched the first male stag continue to follow the female stag, sniffing her scent, even through a large herd of female stags, not letting her go. The female kept running away. Eventually, I got tired and left. Likely, the female caved. And probably, it was well worth the chase for the male. I don’t know.
The point is - it’s not easy to find a mate. Whether you are male, or female, or anyone else in between, really.
You could send someone an expression of interest, but you can’t sit around waiting, or even less, walk away like the second male stag. You’ve got to keep at it. Reach out to the woman, let her know that you are interested. Initiate a conversation, keep at it and take it forward when it makes sense. But you can’t just sit there, like a genie is going to jump out and magically sprinkle seeds of love on the two of you, the moment you swipe.
It’s work man.
It’s a sneak preview into what marriages are like - shit tonnes of work. Kids these days!! They want to just swipe, fall in love. Click, and have a child. Double click, and have the child grow up, and leave the house (yeah, it’s true. I think about it sometimes). Sigh.
I worry about all the cynicism that comes with hanging around in the market too long. I keep wondering if there is a less painful and a faster way of going from single to being able to mingle. But no, you want to date, wait, date again, wait again and before you know it, you are a golden pheasant on Jeevansathi.
May be, the answer to this lies in this tweet:
At least, you won’t have parents creating profiles for their fully grown sons saying things like tall and slim brides are preferable. They might let their children grow into being able to make the choice.
P.S - Don’t take the stag analogy too seriously. You’ll come across as a creep. Just saying.