Judge, but communicate maybe?
When I wrote my previous post on marital fatigue, I knew I was barely scratching the surface with this idea. It left me with too many questions - what are the different ways in which it shows up among couples? are there ways to anticipate it? should you anticipate it? should you embrace it? how do you recognise it?
But the one thing I didn’t anticipate is the impact this would have on my own life.
The husband and I have made progress. The party planning has advanced to the next stage. The date is set, there is a guest list, and guess what, we even have RSVPs. Obviously, the way to my husband’s heart is through a blogpost. Duh.
So, I suppose the moral of the story is “communicate”, in ways that work for you and your partner. When the communication stops, that’s when the real problems begin.
Recently, I visited an old grandaunt who is in her mid-late 90s. We were chatting about life, and she was sharing what she’s learnt about parenting with me. She said that it was important for a mother to be home when the child comes back from school, since no one can love the child as a mother does.
After a few minutes of contemplation, I told her -
“I was raised just as any other child. My parents educated me, raised me to be capable of a demanding full-time profession and now it feels a bit strange to have to not live up to my potential just because I am a woman. So between my husband and I, we make sure our child sees at least one of us when she gets back from school. “
To my surprise, she said -
“Well yes, that’s what I meant - a child needs to be taken care by her parents, mother or father, it doesn’t matter. Outsourcing childcare to a nanny or grandparent, and then expecting the child to feel affection for you or listen to you is unreasonable. Children are not capable of processing such complexity. For a child, love = time.”
This conversation left me wondering - how would I have felt if I’d walked away assuming she is being sexist?
When someone makes a remark, too often, we perceive them to be judging us. But there’s no way to be sure if the judgement was mutual. However, there’s no harm in trying to clarify if we experienced judgement.
At least, you know you tried.
Based on how somebody responds to your clarification, you have additional information about their intention which can help improve your prior about them.
I’ve heard multiple people come back from dates feeling judged - about their looks, lifestyle, profession, political views, career aspirations, etc.
But not everyone actually makes an attempt to clarify when they feel judged.
I’ve found that it’s usually trauma from previous experiences that triggers this course of action. It is challenging to break out of this trauma unless you are consciously trying to change your response in such situations.
The problem with not clarifying is two fold - this tends to compound your own perception of the world and may isolate you from reality sometimes, robbing you of the opportunity to be with genuinely “broad-minded” people.
Secondly, people need to be made aware of how others perceive what they say. They may or may not appreciate this awareness, that’s another thing. But there’s a slight chance, someone might, and as a result treat others better in the future.
This is not to say that there are no structural issues in our society that result in such judgments or perceptions, but if there’s anything that each of us can do to challenge them, why not then huh?
It’s any consolation for the single folk, people in relationships feel judged too. It’s daunting when this happens because your safety suddenly feels threatened in the only place you called home.
But it’s an opportunity to communicate, build safety and trust in the relationship, and you grab it because you are rooting for its success without a doubt.
We go into dates wanting them to fail. Yes, we do.
It’s too scary to barge in wanting to succeed.
Because … what if you fail? Not only would you be hurt for not being accepted by another, you’d also suffer from knowing that you didn’t know better.
Instead, what if you knew better?
What if you went in assuming it would fail, you would at least come out feeling less hurt. That’s in your “control”. So why would you ever pass up an opportunity to be less hurt, in the event of a rejection?
We underestimate our ability to recover from failures. That’s why we brace ourselves for failures even before we try. When on a date, we grab every chance to sabotage it, because it lets us be in control and steer the date towards the outcome we anticipated.
That’s why, spotting red flags is far easier than finding reasons to go on a second date. We prefer to walk away knowing that we know better, than building a relationship.
But if only we carried curiosity to a date instead of fear, there’s a chance we might experience something “real”. At the end of it, if you still get rejected, so be it.
Who cares?
At least you had a real date with a potential partner instead of with your own anxiety.
Easier said than done?
Of course ;)
What I’m reading/ watching/ listening to:
Shrinks: The Untold Story of Psychiatry by Jeffrey Lieberman
The weirdness of work spouses: this is fascinating article about unlabelled relationships in general.
Mariana Hewitt: This was a fascinating listen. I think very few venture builders have the clarity and courage to bring in professionals to run their business. It’s admirable.
Shapely Gal song: Where you want me at by Sons of Maria