Inherited Relationships
When you get married, you inherit a whole network of family and friends through your spouse. You don’t choose them, they don’t choose you. But you just have to live with each other.
Now, the optionality offered through this inheritance is great, but the imposition, not so much. The truth is, you’ll get along with some, acquire a taste for a few and some you’ll never get along with.
The only bit you’ll ever manage to accept is the association, and little else. That’s okay, right? Yet people expend inordinate energy to make it work, even when it isn't.
But why?
Is this because we want to make our spouse happy? Is this because we think this is what love is? Are we afraid our partners won’t accept us as we are? or do we want to relieve ourselves of the guilt for not liking them as is?
The most liberating conversations that the husband and I have had, have been around our honest feelings for certain inherited family and friends. This has helped both of us give ourselves and each other permission to unload the burden of imaginary expectations from these inherited relationships.
I have seen that a lot of couples struggle with this.
Couples tend to impose their personal relationships on each other, and expect their partners to carry them seamlessly. They unnecessarily grow distant because they can’t be honest with each other about the impact of these inherited relationships.
They just quietly suffer from the burden of inheritance, and wear social suffering as a badge of honour.
The parents-in-law
This is one of the most talked about inherited relationships. Both men and women expect their partners to treat each others’ parents with the same reverence as they do.
Why?
The parent child relationship in India has a certain power distance, that hardly evolves over time. It’s cultural. You meet your partner somewhere along the journey of reclaiming your own power as an individual in your relationship with your parents.
Some couples learn to support each other through this journey and grow together, but others just end up as collateral damage in each others’ “conquests”.
I find this compulsive need to appease parents especially intriguing in couples that live away from their families.
But I’m guilty of it too.
When I got married, I deeply appreciated how well my husband got along with my family quite instantly. But at the same time, I felt deeply upset if he ever behaved in a manner that was alien to the relationship I shared with my parents.
He’d argue that he treated my parents just the way he would treat his own, so he didn’t see a problem. But from my perspective, the only acceptable relationship with my parents was the one I shared with them.
So, you see the dichotomy there?
It took us years to see this. But when we eventually did, it began to resolve itself.
Understanding your boundaries with your own parents, and seeing the difference in boundaries that your partner shares with theirs is a BIG milestone in a couple’s life. This is the single most important step that elevates your relationship from being just two individuals in a house to being partners in a relationship.
Sometimes, women feel this extra pressure to be the social glue in difficult relationships. It’s born out of deep social conditioning. In fact, the whole society expects women to play this role and free passes are handed out to men, just for being men.
About 50 years ago, it was apparently tradition to exempt the son-in-law from having a conversation with his mother-in-law. Imagine such luxury for women!
Even today, a woman who doesn’t fit the stereotype of being the family’s social glue is a problem, and a man who doesn’t fit the stereotype of being reserved/ anti-social is considered a “catch”.
This conditioning is so deep that sometimes we assume too many things and don’t even stop to ask …
are these relationships even needed?
It’s not like we’re close to everyone in our own families and friends’ circle. So, why should our partners bother trying to get close to everyone?
When you get married, it’s important to have a conversation with your partner about the hierarchy of relationships with their family members and friends. That way, you both could conserve your people pleasing energy from that nosey uncle, snarky cousin or that sensitive aunt who takes offence to everything.
In fact, I think NRI couples manage to evolve into an optimal equilibrium.
If you’ve noticed, initially they’ll start with serving time at each others’ in-laws’ places during their joint desh visits. Then they’ll start hosting/ attending one group family gathering to meet everyone at once but avoid having to make too much effort. Over time, they’ll start visiting India on their own, so they can limit the interaction with the in-laws to a cursory visit and eventually, it can be avoided altogether.
It’s not just family that we inherit, we also inherit a large network of …
Friends-in-law
Friends are very dear to people. In fact, they become more important around the time of marriage. People use them as a proxy to assess potential partners - will this person get along with my friends? will my friends like him or her? should I be worried otherwise?
If you ask me, it’s no different from a religion or caste filter, except that in this case, your herd doesn’t have a name. In fact, several dating apps have tried to include a social graph to help you get friend approval even before you speak to your date.
Why? why does this matter to people?
Choosing a life partner is a hard decision. As with all things hard, if there is a way to outsource this decision, you will. So you use this as a proxy to make/ support your decision, one way or another. This works sometimes, by chance. But this isn’t a foolproof way to make this decision because …
relationships are not transitive.
There will be friends of your partner you’ll get along with, some you’ll tolerate and some you’d rather not be in the same room with.
See, this isn’t about whether your partner is nice or your friends are nice. It’s about understanding that two people form a relationship on their own at their own pace, and you can’t necessarily force a quality template just based on association.
Friendship comes in many different grades.
Some friendships are heavily contextual - you only ever hung out because you were in the same school, office, playgroup, etc. But this friendship may not be relevant to the “now you”, that your partner may be more familiar with.
While your partner may be able to appreciate your relationship with your friends, expecting them to share a similar bond with your “then friends” or the other way around might be a stretch, unless it happens naturally for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
However, the good news is that the longer you are together, the relationships you inherit from each other only decay over time. So, you see, there are merits to being with someone for a long time.
Non-inherited relationships
There’s another variant to this particular concept, and honestly, I hope I am not alone in experiencing this. There are people who assume an inheritance through association, even when they aren’t entitled to one.
For instance, professional acquaintances, especially the ones you’ve never discussed family with. They probably go back and stalk you after one meeting and realise that your partner has something to offer them maybe? I don’t know.
I’ve had people express surprise at me not bringing my partner or my child along for what is obviously a “work meeting”. Or they’ll say something like “oh I’d love to meet you and your husband together next time”.
I honestly think it’s some gendered thing because no one has ever said things to my husband. Although it would be TOTALLY cool if you are my husband’s acquaintance and you told him …
“oh I’d love to speak to your wife and get relationship advice”
I’ll take that.
What I’m reading/ watching/ listening to:
The Professor & the Housekeeper by Yoko Ogawa: this was a pure delight to read. I love math, and finding elegant intuitive proofs for known problems tucked into what is a beautifully narrated story is oh so satisfying.
The Seven Moons of Maali Almeida by Shehan Karunatilaka: I am savouring this book like sweet lovers savour an ice-cream - slowly, afraid that if I read any faster, the story will get over. This bizarre book on Sri Lanka is such a tragic story filled with so much hope. Makes me want to go to Sri Lanka again.
Modern Love Hyderabad: I love the Modern love column and series in general. So, this was a good attempt, a breathe of fresh air for Telugu cinema.
Such a great article! Intertwining your lives has so many facets, extended family + friends IS important and being mindful in how you navigate that dynamic is necessary.