Guilt and Gratitude
Guilt and Gratitude
Recently, one of my clients said -
“I am really grateful to my wife for having taken care things at home over the last couple of years, but I also feel so guilty always. I feel this holds me back from punching harder at work. Can I make this guilt go away?”
This was an interesting question - is it possible to feel grateful but not obligated to feel guilty? If so, how do you do it?
We’ve all been in a social situation where we might have hesitated from taking someone’s help because of the risk of having to repay that favour, on terms that may not be favourable to us.
I asked him -
I can understand that you are grateful, but where is the guilt coming from?
Is it…
a fear of not being able to pay back - you don’t know when and what sort of help you could be asked for, and you may or may not be in a position to oblige then?
or, a fear of transacting with someone you don’t trust - you don’t know if you’re going to be taken advantage of - you may have to give a mile in return for an inch?
He’s been married to his wife for nearly a decade. They’re faithful to one another, and generally quite open in their communication. So, it would seem ridiculous to question their trust. Yet, he sat there in silence, pondering quietly. I let the silence simmer, and we ended the session with him promising to think deeper about trust.
Our aspirations from love is grander than what it really is. We want our partners to love us unconditionally, just as they love our children, or just as our parents have loved us. We compete for their love for us with their love for themselves, especially when we’ve trouble loving ourselves. Sometimes, we’re a little greedy like that.
It is this greed that feeds our insecurity. It is this greed that sits at the root of our inability to wholly trust. We start keeping mental tabs on whose interests are being served by each of ours actions. The list grows, the rift deepens the general wear and tear in your relationship. So, every now and then, you’ve to tend to it.
You have to work together to close the gaps. If not, you may not be able to tell the difference between gratitude and guilt.
If you’re still wondering what gratitude looks like in a marriage …
it’s a shared cup of cup of coffee/ chai in the morning
it’s a greeting when you come home or a spontaneous cuddle for no reason
its offering to put the kids to bed because you’re too tired from work
it’s cooking up a mess in the kitchen just to make you feel special
it’s moving countries so you can go pursue your professional dreams
It’s all of this. If you’ve experienced this, be grateful. Don’t be guilty. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to return the favour, many times over.
Marriage is an infinite game.
More from Shapely Gal:
New Year Prompt: The thing with a new year is that it is a strong reminder of opportunities that lay ahead of us. May I invite you to try this with me …
What is your #1 relationship goal in 2023?
What is your biggest challenge to achieving this goal?
What do you think is the solution to that?
Write them down on a post-it, pin it up on your desk, and see it everyday. At some point through 2023, you will start living your goal.
What I’m reading/ watching/ listening to:
Gut Feelings by Gird Gigerenzer - I’ve just started reading this book. I wish people stopped apologising for things that aren’t backed by math. I love math, always have but I don’t need it to explain everything in my life.
Shapely Gal Song of the week: Mood by Zack Martino and Dyson