For the last couple of months, work has occupied my entire being. I needed to dump my thoughts somewhere, I started off one work newsletter. Then someone said, “oh very funny but hello, we’re a public company now, so easy tiger.” Fair.
That was my license for “Get a life”, so I’ve “put myself back out there”. It’s official, I am now open for moonlighting gigs - relationship coaching, social experiments, standup (apparently), writing (duh!), you name it. Hit me up. It is liberating to be doing things when you represent yourself, and not any organisation.
Freedom - our most priced possession. No?
One of the things people (both men and women) say when they come to me is that they want their independence even after marriage. Men worry about spending less time on “frivolous non-family oriented” pursuits such as meeting friends, watching sport or playing video games. Women worry about losing the freedom to dress as they like, hold the religious/ cultural/ social beliefs that are different from their partner’s families or even cook/ eat what they like.
But do we get too obsessed with it sometimes?
Not freedom, but the loss of it, I mean.
Loss of Freedom or Trade?
People often say “oh, why you want to get married ra? You’ll lose your freedom”. Yes, you lose some freedom, but you you also gain company, no? So do you put it down as loss or as a trade? Sure, marriage isn’t like a day trade. It’s more like a long term SIP.
I think there’s a balance between company (or community) and independence, but it’s just different for different people. If there’s anything I’ve gathered from all my conversations with married folk, it’s that the ones most comfortable finding this balance post marriage are the ones who are comfortable with their own personal boundaries, no matter where they are. Until then, the rest of us just have to keep trying before we call it a day and pull out the SIP.
But these are the type of difficult conversations we all absolutely must have with our partners before we get married. Once married, we’ll have more and more of these conversations anyway, and learning to navigate and integrate each others’ personal boundaries in a relationship is what strengthens a relationship. Different couples have different trajectories along this journey.
Personal boundaries (or the lack of them) may be bigger deal breakers than looks or degrees or whatever else we put in our “feel good” checklists.
When asked what we’re looking for in a partner, we all usually start with a socially approved checklist for our respective genders, families or social circles, and then try to throw in an odd personal nuance as a garnish. But have you ever wondered what a massive risk that might be if you’re nothing like the rest of your society?
Logistics (no, not my day job)
Difficult conversations are all well, but when do you really pop these questions? Should this be on your bio? Should this be material for first date conversation? What is the right time, really?
Personally, I think these are conversations for once you’ve built a basic layer of trust with the other person to be sure they’re trying to understand what you’re saying rather than judging you.
But heck, I also know people are so bloody restless and anxious all the time in the whole dating scene that they sit like the compounder in a 90s doctors clinic screaming “nexxxxxxxt” (albeit in their heads). So who cares when you pop the question really? You’ll probably find your own pace with time and experience. But if you’d rather get it right sooner than later, then pay some heed to my free advice. ok?
Kthnxbai.
More from Shapely Gal
The Goa Project - The good folks at TGP invited me to come talk about the need for marriage brokers in the 21st century. I had so much fun talking to people IRL (although I did need to lie down after), that too about relationships.
Blind Testing - I ran this super fun impromptu social experiment last night, which was a small intimate event with 6 participants. All participants were anonymous (photo/ video off and names changed). We looked at 4 fictitious dating profiles (2 men and 2 women), and had each participant pitching in with the first thought in their head the moment they saw the profile, pretty much like how we all swipe left and right on any of these dating apps. It was so fun to watch all participants learn a thing or two about how differently others may view the same things on a profile. Those of you who didn’t get an invite for the event last night, sorry, we were oversubscribed and I just went with first come first serve. But next time, ok?
What I’m reading/ watching/ listening:
Reading - I am so behind on my reading that I can’t spell buks anymore.
Watching - yes, I’ve done a lot of mind-numbing watching. Here’s one for you - I watched this Malayalam movie called Archana 31 not out. This movie was about a girl who has met 30 dudes in the marriage market, and finally gets engaged to be married to the 31st guy. But he then elopes with his girlfriend a day before the wedding. Instead of cancelling the wedding, Archana decides to go ahead with the celebrations anyway since she’s shelled all her savings on it. At the wedding hall, she shares the news with the guests, and says she wants to celebrate not having to marry because someone else (aka society, parents et all) wanted her to. If you think about it, it’s so trippy that we have a movie like that in Indian cinema. It’s already progress for all women in the country, I tell you.
Listening - I found this really cool podcast, called “Rest is History”, thanks to the husband. These guys are so funny, it makes me miss Britain so bad.
Shapely Gal song of the month - Shore by Fenris, Revered