Do people change?
... only if they want to, maybe?
I once asked my 6yo “why did you do that? what’s the problem?” to which she responded “I have no problem, I am like that only.” It was such a profound response. Although I now forget the context, it’s a line we use often at home now.
Sometimes what seems to others a bug in someone’s personality, could just be their feature. However, the real “problem” is our collective inability to embrace diverse features.
We don’t realise this, and somehow, women seem to especially struggle with internalising it. More so, after marriage. But you see, it’s not so evident with all women. It’s more evident with gritty women.
I have heard countless women, including myself, complain about husbands who fall short of this imaginary ideal template that we have for them. Time and again, these men prove to us that they simply cannot/ will not comply with the template.
Yet, we simply cannot give up.
Why?
I have a hypothesis …
Things men take for granted don’t come so easy to women. Hence, women are conditioned to grapple constraints and find a way around them from a very young age. So, they’re simply not wired to accept things as is, because they’ve always fought status quo to make life better for themselves.
So, when the husband says “oh, I didn't realise you wanted me to do that.” The first thought that occurs to the wife is “wait, how’s that possible? how did you not know this, given that you’ve been with me for so long?! how can I fix this fellow to make sure this doesn’t happen again”.
In her mind, this is a problem to be fixed.
Well, then the men might say, “No it’s not a problem. We’re not wired to think of such things, we are like this only”. That’s an even bigger problem for the woman because she’s now thinking “oh f*ck, I married a doofus, and I’ve spent years training this fellow in vain. how do I fix my life now?”
So you see, nagging isn’t really a bug, it’s actually a feature.
More importantly, man or woman, people do not change. They are the way they are either because of their inherent traits or deep conditioning.
A few days ago, I did this interesting exercise with a client. I got them to freestyle list a bunch of adjectives about themselves - the ones they own, and the ones conferred on them by family and friends.
Then we picked out what seemed like core traits. A few days later, we went back two decades tracing how this list might have changed with each big milestone in their life. And guess what we discovered - the list was intact, right down to their teen years.
Our life experiences don’t really make us. Those experiences are shaped by who we are. They are opportunities for expression of our personality. Some experiences strengthen certain aspects/ beliefs while others may not.
So, when people hope that their marriage or partners will shape them in a certain way, I am unsure how much truth there is to it. Surely, you may see some superficial changes, but deep down - people don’t change.
*
My husband shared this post with me and said I’d helped elevate his status through our marriage. Honestly, I don’t think there’s any truth to it, it’s only his perception. He probably met me at a point where he was ready to change a few things about himself (mostly superficial things) and meeting me was merely an opportunity for expression.
It’s the same with me. Being with him has enabled me to express myself in ways that were already a part of me, but probably repressed. For instance, I have always been an introvert, but marriage has helped me ruthlessly own it. What a strange outcome from a partnership, no?
*
“My parents want me to get married so I can become more responsible”, a client said.
I sat there listening, wondering how I could explain to him that it’s the other way around - marriage doesn’t change a thing, you marry when you are responsible enough to not only care for yourself, also another person, and possibly a family at some point.
But he wasn’t asking for my advice, so I didn’t say anything.
“I am not attracted to my fiancé, but I am hoping that will change once we get married”, a friend said.
“No, it won’t, not unless you want to change how you feel“
But, who am I to say that? Time will answer that, I thought.
“Can you please talk to my daughter about getting married, may be she’ll consider it coming from someone who is closer in age”, one aunty said.
“No, I’d rather not. I am unsure if getting married is for everyone. But if your daughter is looking to get married on her own, I am happy to help.” I said.
People don’t change, at least not unless they really want to.
As a relationship coach, I’ve learnt this through years of mentoring/ advising a very diverse set of people on how to navigate relationships at various stages of their lives.
This gross underestimation of human will possibly only happens in India, and may be a few other asian cultures. Advice, coercion and manipulation do not move people to action. Intrinsic motivation does, and it is possibly the only sustainable way to do so.
This brings me to another important topic that I’ve been obsessing over the last few weeks, months or may be even years…
therapy
I first started regular therapy about 7 years ago when I was dealing with postpartum woes mixed with work stress. It offered temporary relief. Interestingly, it also pulled up some unifying themes across various incidents all the way from early childhood.
In the beginning, I had a lot of fun discovering more and more evidence for this pattern. But, once we’d established that this pattern was a “problem”, we didn’t make much progress fixing it.
After changing my therapist, I realised the problem wasn’t so much with the therapists themselves, but it is with therapy in general.
Therapy is designed to provide temporary mental relief while you are navigating a difficult situation in life. Therapy is not designed to equip you with tools to solve life’s issues independently, and sustainably.
If you’ve noticed, the business model of therapy is to make it a life-long crutch for your emotional wellbeing rather than empowering you to manage your emotions and navigate difficult situations for the rest of your life.
Therapists will advise you, provide you with tools and even nudge you ever so often to hold you accountable to taking action, but they simply do not have the solve for spurring you into taking action, and doing so independently and sustainably.
This tiny ingredient (will, energy, motivation, call it whatever) to taking action, initiating change and “making things happen” is the missing ingredient for taking therapy from what it is today, to being a truly empowering experience.
So, I wonder - what is the real impetus for change?
In order to find this elixir, I decided to stop seeing a therapist and instead, embark on a self-therapy journey to carefully listen, document and trace the impetus for action. It’s only been 6 months, so still early days, but it’s been therapeutic to say the least.
What does this self-therapy journey look like?
Lots of relaxation, trying to drop into a hypnotic state to access my subconscious memory, lots of journaling and self care.
Sounds wacky? Well, that’s what I thought too, until I first tried it two years ago.
I am yet to get to a state of full consciousness to be aware of impactful transitions. But when I get there, and figure out what truly nudges acceptance and independent action, the first thing I’ll do is put it to test on my married clients.
I am especially curious to try it with those who are 3-6 years into their marriage, because somehow, they seem to be the ones who have most trouble accepting their partners and partnerships as is. ;)
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