Connection over Control

... the heart of love and leadership.

When I wrote about toxic love …

I unpacked how control—whether overt or covert—masquerades as care and corrodes relationships. What struck me afterward was this: the same dynamics of control versus connection that ruin marriages also dismantle teams, organizations, and the sense of purpose we bring to work.

Whether it’s a partner or a boss, control often shows up dressed as concern, protection, or “doing what’s best.” But the cost is always the same: disconnection, resentment, and the erosion of trust—trust in others and, eventually, in ourselves.

This is an extension of that earlier conversation: a closer look at how the relational gaps that poison love also sabotage leadership. Whether in a marriage or a meeting, the central question remains: How do we build relationships that don’t just function, but truly thrive?

During my time in leadership at a fast-paced organization, I saw this tension play out firsthand. In a high-stakes meeting, a leader blamed poor results on the team, blindsiding everyone. The room went silent. Nobody questioned the accusation or asked for context—it was as though this moment of betrayal had been normalized.

That moment stuck with me. Not because of the metrics we were discussing, but because it revealed something deeper: a failure of relational intelligence. You can’t quantify trust or morale, but you can feel their absence when leadership becomes more about control than connection.

What happens when leadership prioritizes metrics over meaning? When connection is replaced by coercion, whether in a marriage or a team meeting? These questions lead back to the same fundamental challenge: How do we create relationships—personal or professional—that don’t just function but thrive?

The answer doesn’t lie in control but in connection. And perhaps, in asking better questions about what we need, what we value, and how we choose to lead and love.

Leadership isn’t about commanding like a dictator; it’s about connecting with people who we inspire to build with us. It’s a truth that feels so obvious yet is so easily forgotten when we’re swept up in the metrics-obsessed, productivity-hacking swirl of modern work.What would our teams, organisations, and even our lives look like if we led with connection instead of control?

Whether at home or work, relationships are built on trust, communication, and empathy. Yet somehow, when we step into a boardroom, we leave those human essentials behind. Why? Is it the pressure to perform? The obsession with outcomes? Or is it simply a collective forgetting that people are not KPIs?

For years, I’ve explored the messy, evolving dynamics of relationships—first between partners, now between teams and leaders. And the thread tying it all together is strikingly simple: people want to feel seen. They want to feel heard. They want to feel connected.It's this basic human desire that leaders are struggling to acknowledge. It’s not that people don’t want to work hard—they do. In fact, we work more now than any generation pre-technology. And yet, we’re more disconnected than ever from the work we do and the people we do it with, resulting in workplace anxiety, depression and eventually burn out.

Did you know that this single handedly erodes ~2-3% of world GDP each year?

Sadly, some of the world's most influential leaders have devolved this conversation into absurd debates over 70-hour or 90-hour workweeks versus “quiet quitting,” missing the deeper question entirely: Why are people so disconnected from the work they do and the people they do it with?

A CEO once told me, when I asked how he balanced micromanaging with leadership, “What else am I here to do apart from making profits?” If leadership is just a spreadsheet of results, that answer might make sense. But if leadership is about inspiring people to care, to build something bigger than themselves, that mindset guarantees burnout—for the leader, the team, and the organization.

At its core, leadership is relational and rooted in trust. It’s not about control; it’s about connection. It’s about creating spaces where people feel safe to take risks, admit mistakes, or even say, “I don’t know.” It’s about showing people that their work matters—not just to the company, but to themselves.

And that’s what’s missing: the humanity.

In a world where AI can churn out reports and algorithms can predict consumer behavior, the only real competitive edge left to us humans is relational intelligence. Not the glossy, Townhall version that says, “Be empathetic!” and moves on, but the grounded, unglamorous work of showing up for people, day after day.

Because at the end of the day, people don’t thrive under control. They thrive on connection. Leaders who forget this might achieve short-term results, sure, but they’ll never inspire the kind of ownership or innovation that builds something truly lasting.

Relational intelligence is no longer just a “nice to have.” It’s the most urgent need of the hour if we want to create workplaces—and a world—where people and organizations truly thrive.

At the heart of it all is a simple, urgent question …

Are we building with people, or just working through them?