A while ago, I’d written a piece about marriage licenses. But what I’d missed addressing in this was the need for testing in order to certify a marriage. How do you know if someone is ready to enter into a life-long partnership? Surely age or parental aspirations can’t be the only marker?
Back in the day when we had a lack of job options and (relatively) stable careers as a consequence, people might have had the mind space and patience to invest in a long—term relationship. Today, I don’t even know if there’s anything called a stable career, so forgive us if we are all too busy playing short-term games.
The world is changing so fast. Committing to a 50 year investment that affects the rest of your life can be daunting. Most people get married because they think it’s expected of them, and once married, they struggle with taking responsibility for that decision.
Given life expectancy today, there’s a good chance people will still spend longer with their partners than their great-grand-parents ever did, despite marrying in their 30s. So, you should absolutely get married only if you want to and only if you’re ready to.
As for the rest, being single is not taboo. It’s a lifestyle choice. Own it, with style.
Certification
Do you believe that a marriage must last the length of a couple’s lifetime? It’s a genuine question. I’ve tried pondering over this in my previous post. Let’s assume that we do want it to last, in which case, there must be a high bar for entering partnerships.
There has to be some stringent criteria that can be objectively assessed besides being a certain age or having persuasive parents in order to get married. After all, we really don’t want people to be treating marriage frivolously, because a poor decision by one person affects two, and may be more if there are children involved.
Just to be clear, I am not against divorce. If things don’t work out, so be it. People drop out of schools, jobs, etc. all the time and exiting a bad relationship is no different, although much more costly I’ll admit.
So, I am a strong proponent of thorough introspection and due diligence before investing. It is a small price to pay for avoiding heavy losses from a bad merger.
Here’s a crazy thought - what if there were a third-party agency that designed and conducted standardised testing to issue a readiness certificate that was mandatory for you to even be eligible to get married? It can be a combination of written and oral examination.
You could be assessed on intent, maturity, ability to lead a comfortable life together, communication skills and endurance in a basic version of the test. Based on your aspirations, you could do additional tests to certify your readiness for an equal marriage, child-free marriage or what have you. This then helps you self-select potential partners without having to waste anyone’s times.
In fact, the results could also produce a compatibility score (like the 36 gunas in a horoscope match), which can then be used in matching with prospective partners so there is a higher compatibility of core values and aspirations from a marriage.
These are already tags and filters on dating/ matrimonial apps but there’s definitely an issue of trust w.r.t what people say on their profiles versus actual belief. That’s why a book like dataclysm makes for such a fascinating read.
Training
Would such standardised testing give rise to coaching institutes where people are taught how to be marriage-ready? may be? But i’ll take that. I am sure what we’ll lose on second and third marriages can be more than made up by these testing services if anyone’s worried about the size of the marriage industry.
But the bottom line is that there will be some formal education in building and sustaining relationships - which is a great outcome. You’ll have fewer instances of people coming home to their partners one day, out of the blue, only to announce that they’re done, pack their bags and leave without another word.
You can’t file a police complaint over a broken heart, shattered dreams or destroyed childhoods. Even if you could, what’s broken is broken. You can only pick up the pieces, put them together and hope that someday, you’ll learn to ignore the cracks. But may be, you could also be trained to handle this?
As insane as this idea might sound right now, I’d love to revisit this in 10 years.
Exposure
Last week, when I wrote about hierarchy of marital needs, I said my worldview of relationships was shaped by my parents. I learnt to accept certain behaviours and responses as “normal”, but I question them now as a partner myself.
I am not the same as my mother or father. The relationship I share with my partner isn’t the same as what my parents shared. So why should the expanse of “normal” be limited to what I saw my parents share?
What if we were exposed to a very diverse set of marriages and interactions while growing up as teenagers, young adults and so on? Sex, relationships, intimacy and marriage are all taboo until you are a certain age, so how are you ever suppose to learn and get good at it?
Although not supremely diverse, but I was so fortunate to be able to interview some amazing couples on “Behind The Scenes”, a podcast documenting real marriages. We need more of such authentic literature and an opportunity for youth to ask relevant questions about relationships so they can build a richer worldview of relationships than be limited by their environment.
What I’m reading/ watching/ listening to:
Teenage Relationships: if you’ve a young adult at home, this is worth watching.
Couples Therapy: While it may seem weird to share your problems with a stranger, it’s precisely what helps couples behave, listen and focus on solving the problem. A trained professional knows how to tease out problems, help translate critical feelings into specific pieces of feedback and break repetitive unhelpful patterns in interaction.
The Power of Apologies: Why working up the courage to make amends, especially with the people we love is so hard.
Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: This is my second book by her after Purple Hibiscus. Reading fiction after a while, and it’s so comforting.