Casual Sex

Disclaimer: I am definitely not an expert in this matter (yes yes, pun are intended), so think of this more of an exploratory post where I’ve more questions than answers.

Have you noticed how a sex scene in movies is followed by the guy either hitting the showers, falling asleep or walking to the window for a smoke. You’ll never see him going “hey do you want to make a plan for breakfast tomorrow?” or “do you want to talk about where this relationship is going?”.

Instead these fellows just exit stage left.

Why?

“Is sex the end goal for men? Do men lose interest in the woman thereafter? Is media conditioning us to believe that men are incapable of emoting? or have we normalised this act as being purely carnal in men?”

… ask several women.

Of late, I’ve been discussing sex and intimacy a lot with people, both married and un. Married folk can’t seem to get enough and the unmarried are bimodal - they struggle with either not getting it at all or the guilt of getting plenty.

I don’t know if its the times we are in or the age of people I speak to, but one thing I have learnt is that people have plenty of avenues to be sexually active with multiple partners today, even without being in a serious relationship.

Nothing wrong with casual sex, as long as there are no casualties (or causalities).

The one theme I’ve noticed is that women seem to have trouble embracing the casual in casual sex. Not that it prevents them from the act itself, but they still associate a lot of meaning to the act.

For most women, the pre-requisite for a coital relation is emotional connection, and their perception is that this act will only strengthen if not maintain status quo of the relationship.

But when they see a different outcome, they feel perplexed.

Their immediate reaction is to question themselves - did I “give in” too easily? did I misjudge his intentions? did I do something for his interest to wane? why doesn’t this mean anything to him?

Women struggle to treat sex as a purely bodily need, one that is theirs too.

I’ve spoken to plenty of men about this too. As far as physical intimacy on dating apps is concerned, a lot of men, including “good” boys, tend to let the women lead the pace, and especially so after #metoo and all.

But, this is often confused for the man being “serious” or prioritising emotional connection.Surely, there may be a correlation between physiological and emotional needs, but it’s not the same thing as causation.

Women release more oxytocin or the affection hormone during an orgasm than a man, so technically speaking there is a lower causation for an emotional connection, if any at all, among men.

To be fair to women, it’s not that women actually believe that this act will lead to a stronger relationship, but they prefer to hope than not. May be it makes them feel less guilty of indulging in an act, which is quite honestly so basic?

I’ve said this a countless times - if you choose to be physically intimate and satisfy your physiological needs, it is YOUR choice. You are doing this for yourself. It doesn’t have to mean anything else or influence anyone else. Just enjoy the act, pat yourself on the back for creating/ benefiting from the opportunity and move on.

I know it’s easier said than done, but it has to be said.

We live in a world where single men satisfying their bodily needs is considered normal, why shouldn’t we do the same for women?

When you are an adult, especially in your thirties, and do not have a stable long-term partner and do know how to responsibly satisfy your needs, why exactly must you feel guilty just because of your gender?

This is not just with sex, but any form of intimacy, even flirting over text. When a rally of flirty texts stop unexpectedly, women carry more shame for being rejected than men do.

I am not saying men don’t get disappointed, but it’s not the same thing as shame.

This is a very real issue (or the lack thereof) that must be discussed because a lot of people are still single in their 30s today, where this was not an issue a couple of decades ago. We cannot possibly insist that people get married for a sexual license nor can we dictate that all unmarried people remain celibate for the rest of their lives.

Funnily enough, I don’t see this guilt with men. In fact, most single men I’ve spoken to prefer not to discuss their sexual experiences. However, that’s not been my experience with married men. Surely they don’t get into as much detail as women, but they have no problems with a grown up conversation about intimacy.

But why don’t single men want to talk about this?

Are they worried about being judged - is their experience sufficient? is it high quality? who knows! Or do men just have trouble discussing things that are seldom discussed, and they’d rather discuss widely discussed topics like sport, weather or politics?

I don’t know.

So, I asked chatGPT, but got frustratingly dumb answers. I have so many questions on this topic, but simply not enough material to develop deeper insights. I’d love to be enlightened by men reading this, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments.