Eons ago, I used to matchmake. I have always loved bringing interesting people together and sparking relationships.
Once, I remember sending a boy out on dates with these amazing women. Each time he came back and said, “She was great, but just not what I’m looking for”. But he couldn’t articulate what he was looking for, so I kept trying with little success.
The thing about relationship markets is that it’s a two-sided market - it involves mutual likability. It’s not like I can build a website and display 100 boys, and you could just pick one of them to be delivered to you free of cost via Prime same day delivery. Like it or not, they have to like you back.
If they liked you back, it’s definitely not the end of the transaction.
If they didn’t, it breaks you a little - it makes you question your worth; it makes you less sure of yourself for no good reason.
Can you avoid this altogether? Sure, outsource it to someone like me. If you don’t see the value in it, check your “Declined me” folders on JS and BM…
It has more declines than you deserve to know about.
This once, I was so excited brokering an alliance between two very cool people. The boy was a client, and the girl, a friend. So, naturally, I’d spoken to the girl first to check if she’d be up for a date. And once she’d tentatively accepted, I went back to the boy suggesting he meet the girl. To my horror, the boy declined as the girl wasn’t tall enough and so he preferred not to take things forward. Sigh.
I told the girl that I’d had second thoughts about the introduction as the boy might not have been smart enough for her. I told the boy that it was okay, and I’d find him someone else. No one was hurt, except me maybe. Mostly because I’d taken the blow. Albeit just for a minute, it still hurt.
But I wondered.. was he being too picky? I don’t know.
Are you single? Do you ever wonder if you’re being too picky? How do you decide one way or another? Are you afraid what would happen if you didn’t?
Wait, let me ask you a question, especially to those of you who aren’t single - do you love every single thing about your partner? Is there nothing about your partner that makes you give them negative points? But now, you are too deeply invested in them to run. If you aren’t invested in someone yet, and you found something not so appealing, would you run? And if you did run, does that make you picky?
No. I’d say more afraid than picky - afraid to accept anything less than what you think you deserve.
Now, why did he think he deserved 5’6 and above? Well, he was a tall guy himself, and since the society needed him to be with a tall woman, he believed that’s what he deserved. If he settled for anything less, then he’d do the society grave injustice. He didn’t really realize that being 5’5 vs 5’6 doesn’t affect his marriage. I’m hoping he knows this now. But hey, I’m not saying he’d have been happier with the woman I introduced him to. Honestly, I don’t know. But all I can say that he lost the opportunity to meet someone interesting, that’s all.
It’s not just fear, sometimes it’s inertia too.
You’ve spent so much time searching, that you can keep searching relentlessly for a partner without making a choice.
Here’s a thought - next time you are introduced to someone who may not be right up your alley, and misses by just a whisker, make a choice to meet them. Learn to take chances so you get better at it. Who knows, it may equip you to make bigger choices someday.
If not, you’ll at least meet someone interesting. Try it, don’t be shy.