Add-on packs of niceness
Diminishing returns to power
If you don’t already follow me on Twitter, then I must tell you that it’s been a couple of months since I switched my full-time career from love to logistics. Lucky for me, logistics offers a similar level of complexity as love. But my love for love is now an ex, who I may choose to go back to, who knows?!
Talking about exes…
do we ever truly forget our exes?
Once you’re past the denial, anger and sadness of a break-up, don’t memories linger on? Memory has a funny way to it - it keeps the best parts, and pretends like the worst parts were never bad enough to make an impression. So, if you’re only left with the good memories, what’s the incentive to wipe them off? As a result, sometimes, you may question why you broke up in the first place.
I’ve met many people who’ve had trouble navigating the arranged marriage market as they are still working through a break up. They find themselves often comparing experiences and feelings, making the process only more difficult. They resign and say, “I am simple unable to forget my ex.”
But is there really a need to?
Personally, I think it’s irrelevant. The choice you’ve to make isn’t between an ex and a future partner, and that’s usually the cause of your confusion. When you broke up, you already chose the path of not choosing that person. Ever since, you’ve already walked along that path so far, that the choice that lays in front of you at this very moment is which of the several potential mates you choose from.
In most cases, backtracking isn’t exactly a choice. Well, you could try if you want to, but you cannot be sure that the same choice from your past will present itself the same way once again. Unlike my ex, your exes are probably human, and so likely it’s not a one-way decision?
Add-on packs of niceness
Niceness is a highly underrated quality in the relationship market. That’s why people famously say “nice guys finish last”, although, I don’t think this applies just to men. But have you ever wondered why that is?
We’ve evolved to value certain things as a species - beauty, girth, strength, ability to earn a disproportionately large income and so on. These are all proxies for power, and we’re all attracted to some form of it. Niceness does not feature in this list, and that’s not because we don’t value niceness.
Niceness is a great “add-on” quality. It’s never enough on its own, but highly valued once people have cleared the power threshold. Let me illustrate -
Example 1:
If there were two equally smart and successful men, of which one had a higher EQ, who would you pick for a husband? Most women would pick the man with higher EQ because EQ (some form of niceness) is a highly desirable add-on trait for a husband. However, the EQ independently is never enough to make the cut.
Example 2:
If there were two equally good-looking women, of which one was kind, who would you pick for a wife? Most men would pick the kinder one because again, kindness (a form of niceness) is a highly desirable add-on trait. The chances are slim for the kind one to be picked when she doesn’t clear the beauty threshold.
Just to be clear, I am not suggesting that being nice is not nice. All I am saying is that it is only valued in conjunction with a trait that symbolises power. Niceness alone doesn’t get you too far, at least not in the relationship market.
Funnily enough, once you’re partnered up, the exact opposite becomes true. The threshold for power drops significantly once you are locked down in a partnership, and the threshold for niceness goes up, at least relatively speaking.
Times Matrimonial Ads
In the 9 years of running my advisory venture, I’d never really bothered much with matrimonial ads in newspapers. But today, I happened to read through it, for kicks, obviously. My immediate thoughts:
There’s a very clear class divide - 70% of it is working class telegram type ads that are information efficient (IIT BTech ISB MBA 50L+ Dr. Father well Qlfd bride wanted) and the remaining 30% of the page is for elite folks who’ve little to say beyond “financially well-off family with good net worth”. Some inequality in ad real estate I tell you.
It makes you feel really bad for the 50L+ guy who can barely afford full sentences in an ad, let alone a qualified girl. On the other hand, you look at the rich folks, you can’t tell one from the other because either they choose not to disclose or they’ve got little going on in their life except wealth. Either way, what is the point of these ads?!
I also found an ad that said “Taking medicines/ therapy for anxiety, obsession but good at career and family life”. I felt a myriad of feelings when I saw this -
Yay, we’re talking about such things in public
Oh TMI (for a first impression)
Wait, how does this person have anxiety and obsession yet manages to be good at career and family life? Forget marriage, if they run a masterclass on this, they’ll get better response on their ad
90% of the telegram ads had very decent qualifications, so I also wondered if I could get my recruiter to contact them for roles in my team.
Anyway, this has been an interesting start to the day and I am thinking it should be my Sunday morning ritual going forward. It really gives you a glimpse of what our society values, even if you care two hoots about it.
Korean Vs American Drama
I usually stay away from anything mainstream because it seldom offers anything new. So I’d actively stayed away from this show on Netflix called Bridgerton (set in England, but made in America) although my friends had been coaxing me to watch it. But recently, my sister and I made a pact - if I watched Bridgerton, she’d give K-drama a go. So, I took the bait.
If not for my OCD to finish shows that I start, there was little to keep me engaged. The sex scenes were obviously and boring. There was hardly any emotional foreplay in the love stories. Personally, I prefer subtlety in romance and complexity in story. When you don’t transcend class in love, the complexity is made up.
On the other hand, the good romantic K-dramas offer an obvious, yet well-crafted recipe for love stories - a different language, a complex culture, class divide, highly relatable female characters and highly concocted demigod like male characters.
Because the female characters are so believable/ relatable to an average Netflix audience, they tempt you into believing that the male characters are real too, which is also why these shows are addictive. I am struggling to keep count of the number of Korean shows I’ve already watched.
Sneak peak into what I’m reading/ watching/ listening to:
A story for the time being: A strange, annoying yet engaging story written in the voice of a lonely Japanese teenager whose diary ends up with a writer across the pacific.
Marriage Markets by Rob Henderson - I found it amusing that one’s handgrip strength is a sign of self-acceptance, and has a bearing on their marriage prospects. I find Rob interesting, although if you’re going to follow him on podcasts, I’d advice you against it as there’s very little new information. His tweets are better.
Love is blind: An extremely enlightening show on Netflix if you’ve time to kill, and I managed to watch the American and the Japanese versions of this show to contrast the cultural influence. I was so tempted to see what a Bangalore version of this show would look like. Who wants to help me run this?
Pick a life Partner: A classic, yet worth a shout out.
How to choose a goddess: I really miss reading blogs like this.
Shapely Gal song of the month: Every Single Time by Panuma and NGTY